Think Globally, Advertise Locally

So it has come to this. Clay Aiken is now doing advertisements for local merchants.

Here's the ad he did for his dentist: http://www.smilecary.com/why-choose-us/in-the-news/clay-aiken.php

Undoubtedly, Clay's American Idol dream included the goal of being an advertising "spokesmodel" for all kinds of famous products:

"When my hands get chapped from greeting so many people at my busline, I reach for Vaseline Intensive Care. And it has SO MANY uses!" (Big wink at camera.)

or

"Why do I stay at Quality Inn? Because they make me feel like I'm tops!" (Gives big ol' Freudian thumbs up signal.)

or

"Sometimes I feel like a Manwich, if ya know what I mean!" (Gives camera a faux-innocent smile.)

But it was not to be. Clay's lack of radio play, his weird fans, and his creepy persona have prevented him from getting any contracts with national advertisers. Still, it comes as a surprise to see him doing ads for this local dentist in Raleigh. How could any dentist afford to pay a superstah salary? We think Henrietta Hater came up with the best theory:

***The phone will be ringing off the hook with new patients, and most of them won't even be local residents. "Hello, dental office? I want to make an appointment. I live in Pocatello, Idaho but I want to get my teeth done there in Raleigh because you were highly recommended by a member of my extended family, Clay Aiken...Yeah, he's a member of my family...sort of. See, I've been to 92 of his concerts, and he took my cell phone once in Philadelphia and said hello to my Aunt Irma. And he always tells us we're all part of his family. What? Oh no, it won't cost me a dime to travel there! I have 35,807,963 frequent flyer miles to redeem."***

Yes, Clay can always be counted on to bring in the mats. (At this very moment a mat in Kansas City is trying to loosen one of her front teeth with a pair of pliers. Another mat in Tampa, Florida is systematically scraping the enamel off her teeth with a fork. Another is poking a paperclip up into her gums. By tomorrow morning, they will all have appointments with Clay's own dentist!) Just think: if this dentist offers Clayton a $1 kickback for every new patient that shows up -- from Pocatello to Pittsburgh -- Clay will soon be rolling in dough.

In fact, doing local advertisements may prove so lucrative that we'll see Clay advertising all kinds of products and services:

ABBOTT'S HAT SHOP
When stardom went to Clay Aiken's head and his hat size increased four sizes, we were right there to adjust his old hats and show him the latest in big hats for big heads!

JUAN'S MEXICALI MEALS
Come to Clay Aiken's favorite Mexican restaurant for the best dry, paste-y, refried mess you ever sank your teeth into!

AMY'S SALON
When Clay Aiken needs a full-body wax, he drops into Amy's Salon for our special American Idol deal. $10 per appendage!

MR. LESLIE'S FLORIST
Ever put your hand over someone's mouth and then regretted it? Or needed to apologize for putting your stinkin' size 13 foot where it didn't belong? For those times in life when you need to send an "I'm Sorry Bouquet," contact Mr. Leslie, Clay's Favorite Florist!

TOM'S TANNING SALON
Clay Aiken says, "Tan so dark that the only thing we'll be able to see are your teeth!"

DEWEY AND SONS FUNERAL HOME
"I've been kicked out of some of the best funeral homes in Raleigh," says singer Clay Aiken, "but none lovelier or more attentive to your needs in times of sorrow than Dewey and Sons."

BUSTER THE BAIL BONDSMAN
Been picked up the local sheriff? The state police? The FBI on an airplane even though you did nothing wrong and the other woman involved is just a big old bitch? If so, contact Clay's favorite bail bondsman: Buster!

MILLS' RECORD STORE
Where Clay Aiken goes for all his musical needs! Special Deal: Buy one Clay Aiken album for $160 and we'll give you seven FREE copies with it!

DR. MADISON, PODIATRIST
"My feet don't always smell like 'fresh laundry,'" says local superstar Clayton Aiken. "I go to Dr. Madison for soaking my feet in lye, scraping layers of dirt and dead skin and strange yet-to-be-identified-by-science fungi off my toes, and defumigating my size thirteens!" Stop on in for a free foot-shaped bookmark.

DR. PORTER, PROCTOLOGIST
Clay Aiken says, "After a night of cornholing, you might want to visit Dr. Porter! And when I've gotten up to my elbows in some mess, Dr. Porter is always there to help me out!