Tuesday, September 18, 2007

FS Under New Management

Moved to http://clayaikenfraudsquadrevisited.blogspot.com

Monday, September 10, 2007

REUNITED : The Secret E-mails

News of the upcoming "Reunited Tour," starring Ruben Studdard, Kimberley Locke, and Clay Aiken may have come as a shock to many fans, but here at the Fraud Squad we've been secretly following this story for some time. In fact, one of our sources has been providing us with some of the e-mails that have been ricocheting back and forth between Ruben's computer in Alabama, Kim's computer in California, and Clay's computer in whatever city his latest Manhunt hook-up lives. We cannot print all of these private e-mails at this time, but can offer a selection of notes on a variety of topics.


To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Will this tour have a name?

How about calling it the "AI2 Final Three Reunion"?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Will this tour have a name?

How about :"Reunited"?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Will This tour have a name?

What's wrong with "An Evening with Clay Aiken...and Friends"?



To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: What should we wear?

Think we should dress formal or informal? Now that I've lost weight and Clay has gained weight, I'm afraid he'll start borrowing my clothes.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: What should we wear?

I know how you feel. That was always a problem back when I lived with him too.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: Rubens@hotmail.com
Subject: Rehearsal time

We need to book a rehearsal hall. How many days do you think we'll need? I usually like to rehearse for 3-4 weeks.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Rehearsal time

I usually rehearse between six and eight hours a day for two to three weeks.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagree@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Rehearsal time

I usually need about one afternoon for rehearsal...and most of that time is spent writing up the cue cards with my song lyrics on them.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Song list

Before we decide what songs we'll each be singing, I guess we should make a list of our radio hits that the fans will be expecting us to sing. For me, that means singing Flying without Wings, Superstar, Sorry 2004, I Need an Angel, and Make Ya Feel Beautiful.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Song list

That means I'll be singing Eighth World Wonder, Wrong, I Could, Band of Gold, and Supawoman.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Song list.

I'll be singing Invisible.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Song list

I think we should probably each do another 6-8 solo numbers. I guess I'll feature original songs from my new album that's coming out in a couple months.

To RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Song list

I have quite a few numbers I can choose from my next album too.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Song list

My new covers album, Clay Aiken Sings the Celine Dion Songbook, will be released by January, so I'll have plenty to choose from as well.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Any requirements?

Do you guys have any special requirements/needs at each venue? They want us to submit a list.

Speaking for myself, I like a fresh vegetable tray and some bottled water...if it's not too much trouble for the venue.

To: RubenS@hotmail, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Any requirements?

I'd like to have several bottles of soda pop -- both diet and regular -- available for backstage guests. If the venue can't afford this, I will give someone $20 plus a tip to run out and get it. Thanks.

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Any requirements?

REQUIRE: Hot breakfast to include scrambled eggs and omelet station (FOOD PREPARED PREVIOUS NIGHT IS UNACCEPTABLE; ALL FOOD MUST BE FRESHLY PREPARED!)

REQUIRE: Bacon, sausage, home fries, PLUS one entree selection (French toast, pancakes, waffles, crepes, egg muffins, etc.)

REQUIRE: Assorted breads included white, wheat, and raisin, muffins, donuts, pop-tarts, and bagels.

REQUIRE: Milk (whole, 2%), soy milk (including chocolate soy milk, and regular soy milk), assorted sodas, water and juices.

Actually, rather than include all my demands here, I'll just have Uncle Jess fax over the entire document, since it's 30 pages not including the confidentiality agreements that everyone on the tour will have to sign -- including you two.



To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: The Unspoken Issue

Which one of us is going to talk to Clay about wearing Odor Eaters and keeping his feet off our bus seats?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re; The Unspoken Issue

I'll gladly talk to him about that. MY biggest fear is that he's going to try to write a script for this show and insist I put on a wig and play the part of "Miss Beverly"!

To: TheQueenMother@aol.com
From: WWJD@aol.com
Subject: Help!

Mama, what am I going to do if Kim and Ruben try to upstage me? The show is going to be divided into four parts (three solo sections and then one section where we all sing together) which means I only get one quarter turn to shine on my own. They're going to be singing all their hits, plus brand new original songs, and all I've got to sing is dumb old "Invisible," plus Celine's "My Heart Will Go On," even though I can't sing that high anymore without Quiana to hit the top notes for me. What am I doing to do?

To: WWJD@aol.com
From: TheQueenMother@aol.com
Subject: Re: Help!

Clayton, you have nothing to worry about. Do Ruben and Kim have the Claymates? Do they have "Flat Clay" or the Clambulance? Did they single-handedly save a TV show the way you and your followers saved Jericho? I think not! Now you just leave everything to Mama and have a Jesus Day!

To: Claymateprivatelistserve@aol.com
From: TheQueenMother@aol.com
Subject: We Need Your Help!

To Chexxxy, Corabeth, ScooterOKC, Shred, and all of Clay's Other Angels,

This is Mama Faye, writing to ask ya'll a big favor. As you know, Clayton is about to embark on a new tour with Ruben "Sweaty" Studdard and Kim "Pudge" Locke. I hope you appreciate that little joke, but let's just keep it between ourselves, 'kay? Anyway, this tour is going to be called "Reunited," though I'm sure ya'll agree with me that "An Evening with Clay Aiken..and Friends" is much more appropriate. Personally, I'm calling it the "Oreo Tour" for obvious reasons. (Let's just keep that little joke between ourselves too, 'kay?) Little Clayton has confided in me that he's quite afraid of being upstaged by the other two performers. I think we should see to it that that never happens. I know that quite a few of you gals like to knit (and you too, Scooter!) Well, I was thinking it might be quite amusing if ya'll pulled out your knitting whenever Kim or Ruben sing. Let them know you're a littled bored with their dumb old songs by staring at your knitting the whole time they are singing and clicking those knitting needles as loud as you can. I am NOT encouraging you to boo their performances. I would never do that. That decision rests solely with you. If you feel they deserve to be booed, well, I cannot stop you from expressing your opinion. Let's show Clayton a lot of love on this tour (nothing says love like a glowstick!), so make sure that "Sweaty" and "Pudge," (now, remember, keep that little joke between us, 'kay?) know you're all REALLY there to see Clayton!

Have a Jesus Day,

Your "Mama" Faye



To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: One potential problem

Clay -- Kim and I are also a little worried about your fans. According to what we've heard, they were quite rude to Kelly C. during your dual tour -- either turning their backs when she sang or trying to talk right over her singing. Can we have your assurance this won't happen on the Reunited Tour? Someone said you had devised a hand signal that quiets them when they get too excited...?

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From : Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Sorry, the hand signal only works when I use it.

You'll just have to accept that where I go, the Claymates go. They're part of the package.

It's a pretty simple deal: if you do right by me, they won't kick your butt.

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Is that some kind of threat?

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

It's not a threat, it's a fact. You have to understand, the fans get a little concerned when they think some people are taking a step backwards in their career to tour with certain other people....

To: Skippermageee@manhunt.com
From RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Wait a second, Kim and I never said we felt like we were taking a step backward to include you in this tour!

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re : One potential problem

I was talking about ME taking a step backward to tour with YOU!!! Haven't you been reading the cellcert reports of my summer tour series? According to the cellcerts, every venue was sold out, plus we attracted a lot of men and teenagers.

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

No, we didn't read any cellcert reports. We don't even know what a "cellcert" is. We read about your summer tour series in the trade papers, and they all said you barely had 40% attendance in your home town.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Oh don't you know all those trade papers are written by hatahs and Kelly Clarkson fans! You can only get the truth from my cellcerts. And if you don't know what a cellcert is, you should! After all, I copyrighted and trademarked the term!



To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Our tour

How do you like this name for the tour: REUNITED, STARRING RUBEN STUDDARD AND KIM LOCKE.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Our tour

I love it! Just the two of us. No drama, no divas, no Claymates and NO CLAY!

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Mats vs. The Medicine Chest

It would be hard to find two groups of people more different than the Claymates and the Fraud Squad.

Members of the Fraud Squad have been described as articulate, intelligent, thoughtful, individualistic, opinionated, discerning, humorous, perceptive, brilliant, intellectual, enlightened, hardworking, deep-thinking, and good in bed. (Actually, I just threw that last one in to see if anyone was still paying attention.)

The Claymates are generally described as crazy...and...and...well, that’s about it.

But to get a true sense of how the two groups differ, we should probably compare their reactions to the same situation. Which group comes off looking more intelligent, humorous, and thoughtful? Which group comes off looking like a collection of crazed cult members?

You decide.

1. Perez Hilton appears on Jimmy Kimmel’s Show and makes a disparaging remark about Clay Aiken.

Mat reaction : He’s a pig! He’s a pig and he must be slaughtered like a pig!

Fraud Squad reaction : My, that Perez Hilton is quite perspicacious!

2. Jimmy Kimmel continues the interview.

Mat reaction : I can’t believe Jimmy didn’t throw that pig off the set! You know Jimmy and Clay are bestest friends. Clay is Jimmy’s go-to guest whenever someone cancels at the last minute.

Fraud Squad reaction : Just like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly used to be Johnny Carson’s go-to guests and Richard Simmons is David Letterman’s current go-to guest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3. Someone at the CB decides the Claynation must take a stand!

Mat reaction : Let’s buy a new chair for Jimmy Kimmel’s set; we don’t want Clay sitting on the same seat that pig sullied.

Fraud Squad reaction : Oh please! Clay didn’t even sit down on one of those chairs the last time he appeared on Kimmel’s show. He was mounted on top of an animal with an erection.

4. Oh, was JP there?

Mat reaction : La-la-la-la-la! I can’t hear you!

Fraud Squad reaction : Actually, we don’t talk about him anymore either.

5. The Mats plan a fundraiser to buy a chair.

Mat reaction : Let’s use the motto “Give Till it Hurts!”

Fraud Squad reaction : Ironic. That’s also Clay’s pick-up line on Manhunt.com.

6. The Mats plot how they’ll earn the money for the chair.

Mat reaction : I’ll have my eight-year-old daughter cut back on her insulin shots to save money. Clay’s been so good to us -- he deserve that new chair!

Fraud Squad reaction : Does someone have the number for the child abuse hotline?

7. The Claynation decides to have “Clay’s Special Seat” monogrammed.

Mat reactions : “How about we monogram it: HOME FOR HIS HEAVENLY HEINIE?”

“I know! we can make it rhyme: “Clayby, if you want to rest your cheeks, here’s the place / And, no, we’re not talking about the cheeks on your face.”


“How about we draw a picture of Perez Hilton and put a line across it, and underneath we’ll write NO PIGS ALLOWED?”

Fraud Squad reaction : Another helpful phone number is 1-800-INSANE ASYLUM.

8. The Mats debate what kind of chair they should buy.

Mat reaction : Well, there needs to be plenty of “Waldo room” in front, plus an area where Clayby can stretch out his long, lean, muscular legs in front of him. And in order for Clay to “banter” with both his bestest friend Jimmy and any guest sitting on his right, the chair should turn from side to side.

Fraud Squad reaction : Make sure the chair can at least make quarter turns. That’s very important to Clay.

9. Jimmy Kimmel announces that Clay will be appearing on his show next Thursday.

Mat reaction : Dancing bananas, dancing bananas, thud-thud-thud.

Fraud Squad reaction : Oh no, Gary Coleman must have cancelled his appearance.

10. The upper echelon of the Claynation has a private meeting to decide how to present the chair at the Kimmel show.

Mat reaction : So, Corabeth and Scooter are going to decorate the chair with a hundred mylar balloons, then Chexxxy’s going to do the presentation, then Oklahoman’s going to sing the national anthem and lead us all in the pledge of allegiance (“I pledge allegiance to us hags of the United States of American and to the republic for which we stand, one Claynation, etc., etc.”) and then Clay will slowly lower himself into the waiting seat while we all scream and scream and scream.

Fraud Squad reaction : OMG.

11. On the big night, Jimmy pulls a fast one, having Perez Hilton run out and jump into the new chair before Clay sits down in it.

Fraud Squad reaction : Actually, it was pretty funny how Perez grabbed the seat first and then Clay sat in his lap for the rest of the interview.

Mat reaction : That wasn’t Clay. It was an imposter! I bet it was Thom York in disguise. Or someone wearing a Clay mask. Or, or maybe they just photoshopped Clay onto the screen like they did all that stuff in Forrest Gump. It was trick photography -- no doubt!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Choking Down Some Chicken Soup

Tales of Faith, Hope, and Inspiration by Contestants Who Have Appeared on the Country’s Favorite Television Program -- American Idol

Singing While They Sneered
by Kelly Clarkson

A year after I won the first American Idol competition, I was invited to tour the country with a contestant who had appeared on the second season of the show. Although he was not that season’s winner, he had developed a large fan base and my management team felt a dual tour would be beneficial to both of our careers.

I must admit, the two of us did not hit it off. I’m a friendly person, interested in meeting people and getting to visit various places in this great country. My traveling companion was more interested in gossip than conversation and preferred watching repeats of The Golden Girls and The Facts of Life on his portable television to looking at the majestic mountains and wide-open prairies outside our bus windows. He also had a hygiene problem and would place his bare, dirty feet on the armrest of my seat. Worst of all: he had obnoxious fans who would ostentatiously put on earphones and turn their backs when I sang during my half of the concert. I thought my touring partner would put an end to this by telling his fans to behave, but instead he encouraged it! Sometimes as I sang, I would see him in the wings wearing his own set of earphones and laughing at me. Other times he’d go down into the audience as I sang and lead his fans in shouting HIS name, thereby drowning out my songs. One night he actually suggested that I cut several numbers from my set because “most of the people in the audience are hear to see me, not you.”

That night I went on stage with tears in my eyes, barely able to choke out the lyrics to my songs. As I looked at all those backs facing me, I vowed that I would someday produce an album so popular that no one would ever turn their back on me again.

Within a year I had recorded that album. It sold over twelve million copies and won me a Grammy. Whenever I am down or depressed, I think about that tour and the vow I made on stage that night. I know that if I could perform before such a hostile audience, I can do anything!

* * *

My Number 2 Hit
by Carrie Underwood

I was the American Idol winner! Wow! I couldn’t have been more excited!

Soon I had a hit single going up the record charts like a speeding bullet. Every morning I’d get up and check to see how my record fared on Amazon.com. One day it was 52...the next it was 27...then 13...then 4...then 2. But it stayed in the number 2 position for week after week.

At first I could not figure it out, then someone showed me a website run by fans of a former American Idol runner-up. Encouraged by this runner-up and his mother, these fans had started a campaign to buy an old single of his in multiple quantities in order to keep me off the top of the charts. “This will prove who the true American Idol is!” they said over and over on their website.

I was heartbroken! I was deprived of having my first single become a number one hit all because of their jealousy. That’s when I began praying about this problem. “Jesus, take the wheel,” I prayed, “I’ll let You guide my career in whatever direction You see fit. Number one or number two, I don’t care. ...And please give this other contestant the kind of career he deserves as well.”

It worked! Time has passed and I have had several number one hits, but my nemesis can’t get a song on the charts no matter how many copies his fans buy. His latest album was a series of cover songs and, rumor has it, he will soon lose his recording contract. I imagine it won’t belong until he’s reduced to parking cars in San Fernando Valley.

If I ever show up at an awards show and see this gentleman parking cars, I will not laugh at him or scorn him. I’ll just hand him the keys to my Mercedes and say, “Clesus, take the wheel. And don’t scratch the exterior, hon, or you won’t get a tip.”

* * *

He Said He Could Teach Me
by Fantasia (as told to Jack Canfield)

Every week I would appear on American Idol as if I didn't have a care in the world. Most people were unaware that I had a big secret. I could not read.

One day as I was pretending to scribble my name on the studio sign-in sheet, the runner-up from the past season noticed my problem and told me he would teach me to read and write. He said he had been a teacher "for years and years." I thought I could trust him.

I did not know he was a prankster and the devil in disguise.

First he taught me to write my name. I was so proud! But when I signed it the way he showed me -- F A R T A S I A -- everyone began laughing.

Then he taught me to write a simple sentence. He said the sentence said “Ruben is cool.” But this is how he told me to spell it: RUBEN IS SWEATY.

Then he had me write the sentence “Clay came in second” but he spelled it this way: CLAY WAS THE TRUE WINNER.

When someone saw my practice sentences, they said that this former contestant was playing me for a fool. I immediately kicked him to the curb and found a new teacher. I am learning slowly, but soon I’ll be able to read and write.

The main thing this “teacher” taught me is that there are mean and jealous people in this world that I should avoid. And that sometimes someone will pretend to be your friend, but they really aren’t. When that happens, you spell the word “friend” like this: L O S E R!

* * *

I Had the Last Laugh
by “Keith”

My name is Keith. You may not remember me from American Idol. I didn’t win. I didn’t even make the top twelve. The only time you saw me was during try-outs, when I auditioned for Simon, Randy, and Paula singing “Like a Virgin,” complete with dance moves.

They showed that clip over and over on TV. It was a hit on Youtube. Everyone said I was a laughingstock.

I wondered if I’d ever live it down.

Then this past summer, a former American Idol runner-up went on tour and also performed “Like a Virgin.” He used my same dance moves. But he sounded even worse than I did. AND he did it in front of a symphony orchestra!

Soon HE was the laughingstock of Youtube and people forgot about me.

I am here to tell all of you who are facing bad times that no matter how awful you feel, no matter how badly you screw up...take heart! Eventually someone will come along and make an even bigger jackass out of himself and your problems will seem small in comparison.

* * *

I Had the Last Laugh
by William Hung

I am William Hung -- ha, ha!!! Maybe you laugh when I sing “La Vida Loca” on American Idol -- ha, ha!!! Maybe you laugh when I get record contract and put out album of cover songs -- ha, ha!!! But guess what? Big time Clay Aiken end up recording cover album too -- ha, ha!!! And he don’t get played on radio either! Now who’s got the last laugh -- ha, ha!!!

Now Clay wishes he was Hung.

But his nude webcam photos say otherwise -- ha, ha, ha!!!

* * *

I Once was Lost, But Now I’m Found
by Ruben Studdard

It was the biggest night of my life. I had just been crowned the winner of American Idol! But then the moment was ruined. Instead of a hug or a handshake, my main competitor made a rude remark that was heard by not just me, but all fifty million people watching the finale: "I'll beat you on the charts, Ruben."

The next months were very busy, as I recorded the songs formy first CD. “How does it feel to be the American Idol winner?” I was asked in interview after interview. Frankly, I wasn’t feeling like much of a winner. My main competitor had developed a very large fan base (some might say cult) and these women were harrassing me and my family on a daily basis. Racist comments about me appeared on various websites, and my former friend never asked his fans to stop. Sometimes the phone would wake me in the middle of the night and I’d hear his voice: “I’ll beat you on the charts, Ruben!” Was it a fan playing a tape of his finale-night remarks or was it actually him calling and taunting me? Was it live or was it Memorex? I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

What I do know is that when our recordings were released, his fans went on a buying spree, often purchasing eight or more copies each. They went into stores and moved his CD to a prominent space and hid mine behind the Lawrence Welk records. Then they started campaigns to give his CD to overseas troops, elderly people in nursing homes, and inmates in prisons across the country. The final straw was when they sent copies to every school for the deaf in the United States. You gotta wonder about that. Yes, he did beat me on the charts and soon, wherever I went, his fans would show up mocking me and making the “Loser” hand signal (using their extended index finger and thumb to create the letter L.) He had trained them well.

I really did begin to feel like a loser at that point.

Then one night I was looking at some record reviews my mom had clipped from various newspapers and magazines. And I realized that my CD had gotten great reviews, while my former friend’s CD was not well-received. Soon I was nominated for a Grammy, but my competitor’s name was not on the nominations list.

I realized that I really was a winner in many ways. In fact, I began to feel so good about myself that I actually lost 100 pounds! The last time I saw my former friend, it looked like he was well on his way to finding them. I also couldn’t help but note that his second “covers” album was a critical and popular flop, and that his concerts were being supported by the same 500 women who followed him from city to city.

If that’s what he calls “winning,” then I’m glad to call myself a loser.

* * *

My Words of Advice
by Clay Aiken

Anybody in this business has a responsibility. I know this is going to sound cheesy but, when you get in a position where people are watching you on TV or listening to you on the radio, you have a responsibility not just to entertain them but to society, too. The most important responsibility a celebrity has is to set an example and be a role model. I want to make sure that no matter how long I go through this, I don't fall into the trap of changing and modifying how I do things that aren't a positive example. I want to remain somebody that the entire family can listen to or watch. I have no problem saying I want to be a role model. And if anyone questions my wholesome behavior, my integrity, or my genuineness, then they should kindly shut the fuck up.

Think Globally, Advertise Locally

So it has come to this. Clay Aiken is now doing advertisements for local merchants.

Here's the ad he did for his dentist: http://www.smilecary.com/why-choose-us/in-the-news/clay-aiken.php

Undoubtedly, Clay's American Idol dream included the goal of being an advertising "spokesmodel" for all kinds of famous products:

"When my hands get chapped from greeting so many people at my busline, I reach for Vaseline Intensive Care. And it has SO MANY uses!" (Big wink at camera.)


"Why do I stay at Quality Inn? Because they make me feel like I'm tops!" (Gives big ol' Freudian thumbs up signal.)


"Sometimes I feel like a Manwich, if ya know what I mean!" (Gives camera a faux-innocent smile.)

But it was not to be. Clay's lack of radio play, his weird fans, and his creepy persona have prevented him from getting any contracts with national advertisers. Still, it comes as a surprise to see him doing ads for this local dentist in Raleigh. How could any dentist afford to pay a superstah salary? We think Henrietta Hater came up with the best theory:

***The phone will be ringing off the hook with new patients, and most of them won't even be local residents. "Hello, dental office? I want to make an appointment. I live in Pocatello, Idaho but I want to get my teeth done there in Raleigh because you were highly recommended by a member of my extended family, Clay Aiken...Yeah, he's a member of my family...sort of. See, I've been to 92 of his concerts, and he took my cell phone once in Philadelphia and said hello to my Aunt Irma. And he always tells us we're all part of his family. What? Oh no, it won't cost me a dime to travel there! I have 35,807,963 frequent flyer miles to redeem."***

Yes, Clay can always be counted on to bring in the mats. (At this very moment a mat in Kansas City is trying to loosen one of her front teeth with a pair of pliers. Another mat in Tampa, Florida is systematically scraping the enamel off her teeth with a fork. Another is poking a paperclip up into her gums. By tomorrow morning, they will all have appointments with Clay's own dentist!) Just think: if this dentist offers Clayton a $1 kickback for every new patient that shows up -- from Pocatello to Pittsburgh -- Clay will soon be rolling in dough.

In fact, doing local advertisements may prove so lucrative that we'll see Clay advertising all kinds of products and services:

When stardom went to Clay Aiken's head and his hat size increased four sizes, we were right there to adjust his old hats and show him the latest in big hats for big heads!

Come to Clay Aiken's favorite Mexican restaurant for the best dry, paste-y, refried mess you ever sank your teeth into!

When Clay Aiken needs a full-body wax, he drops into Amy's Salon for our special American Idol deal. $10 per appendage!

Ever put your hand over someone's mouth and then regretted it? Or needed to apologize for putting your stinkin' size 13 foot where it didn't belong? For those times in life when you need to send an "I'm Sorry Bouquet," contact Mr. Leslie, Clay's Favorite Florist!

Clay Aiken says, "Tan so dark that the only thing we'll be able to see are your teeth!"

"I've been kicked out of some of the best funeral homes in Raleigh," says singer Clay Aiken, "but none lovelier or more attentive to your needs in times of sorrow than Dewey and Sons."

Been picked up the local sheriff? The state police? The FBI on an airplane even though you did nothing wrong and the other woman involved is just a big old bitch? If so, contact Clay's favorite bail bondsman: Buster!

Where Clay Aiken goes for all his musical needs! Special Deal: Buy one Clay Aiken album for $160 and we'll give you seven FREE copies with it!

"My feet don't always smell like 'fresh laundry,'" says local superstar Clayton Aiken. "I go to Dr. Madison for soaking my feet in lye, scraping layers of dirt and dead skin and strange yet-to-be-identified-by-science fungi off my toes, and defumigating my size thirteens!" Stop on in for a free foot-shaped bookmark.

Clay Aiken says, "After a night of cornholing, you might want to visit Dr. Porter! And when I've gotten up to my elbows in some mess, Dr. Porter is always there to help me out!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

LEARNING TO SING : The Clay Aiken Story (Part 2)

To read the first part of the Lifetime movie script, please see blog for Tuesday, August 28, 2007.


A Lifetime Original Movie

Based on the memoir “Learning to Sing” by Clay Aiken and Alison Glock

Starring Dakota Fanning as Young Clay Grissom

kd lang as Clay Aiken, beginning at age 14

Dee Wallace Stone as Faye Parker

Christopher Walken as Ray Parker

Harry Dean Stanton as Vernon Grissom

Patti Labelle as Mrs. Watson

Directed by Alan Smithee

[Camera returns to CLAY in the dressing room of the Hollywood Bowl, looking at pictures in a scrapbook. There are several pictures of him with his new friends -- the former bullies -- as they play soccer, build a snowman, and go skinny-dipping in a local river. (Note: Please return latter picture to Mr. Aiken, as it comes from his private collection.) Voice-over by CLAY: “Yes, those were happy times. I finally had some friends, and at home I had a new baby brother. And it was around that time that I met another of those older women who were always among my biggest champions. Her name was Mrs. Watson.]

FLASHBACK: CLAY is singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” at the local talent show. Mrs. Watson, a fashionable and fiftyish African American woman sits in the audience, one hand clapped over her mouth in awe of the child prodigy singing on the stage. Clay’s VOICE-OVER: Two days later, Mrs. Watson tried to track me down. Unfortunately, there was only one “Grissom” listed in the phone book...and that number belonged to my drunken, virulently racist sperm donor, Vernon Grissom.

[Interior shot of the hovel where VERNON GRISSOM lives. He is sleeping on a dirty couch, surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol. On the wall is a dartboard with a picture of Faye Parker glued to the front. (Note: please return dartboard to Clay Aiken, as it comes from his own personal gameroom.) When the telephone rings, VERNON wakes up with a hangover, and searches for the phone, knocking over bottles and empty pizza boxes.]

VERNON : Yeah?

MRS. WATSON : Hello! I don’t know if this is the right number or not, but I’m trying to reach Clayton Grissom.

VERNON : He don’t live here.

MRS. WATSON : Are you his father?

VERNON (a hacking laugh that leaves him breathless) : They call me...his sperm donor.

MRS. WATSON : Well, can you tell me where I can reach your little sperm donee, sir?

VERNON : Hey, wait a minute. Are you BLACK?

MRS. WATSON : Why yes, I am!

VERNON : This conversation is over, negress.

CLAY’S VOICEOVER : Vernon Grissom hated blacks. He hated Jews. He hated gays. And he hated me -- even though I was neither black nor Jewish. Luckily, Mrs. Watson was persistent. She called the school where the talent show was held and learned that I lived with my mother and stepfather, Faye and Ray Parker. Ray was listed in the phone book.

[The phone rings at the Parker home and FAYE PARKER answers it.]

FAYE : Have a Jesus Day! How may I help you?

MRS. WATKINS : I’m looking for a Clayton Grissom.

FAYE : Just a moment please. Clayton, there’s a woman on the phone who wants to talk to you.

CLAY : Women are icky.

FAYE : Someday you’ll change your mind about that. (She appraises him.) Or maybe not. But take the phone while I go fix Brett dinner.

CLAY : Hello?

MRS. WATKINS : Clayton, I’m Mrs. Watkins from the Boys’ Choir of Raleigh and I’d like you to audition for us.

CLAY (immediately begins singing) : “Somewhere, over the rainbow....”

MRS. WATKINS : No, honey, not over the phone. You’ll need to come down and sing for us in person.

[CLAY walks tenatively into the auditorium where the Boys’ Choir of Raleigh is rehearsing. The group is predominantly African American.]

MRS. WATKINS : Clayton, welcome! Did you bring your sheet music with you?

[CLAY hands his sheet music to the accompaniest and begins to sing.]

CLAY : Red and yellow and pink and green. Purple and orange and blue. I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too.

MRS. WATKINS (blotting her face with a handkerchief) : That is just...beautiful...dear.

CHOIR BOY #1 : He sings like a little girl.

CHOIR BOY #2 : And he doesn’t have any soul!

CLAY (angrily) : Oh yeah? (Hands more sheet music to the accompaniest.) Hit it! (Begins to dance around the stage while singing:)

The ink is black, the page is white
Together we learn to read and write.
A child is black, a child is white
The whole world looks upon the sight, a beautiful sight!

And now a child can understand
That this is the law of all the land, all the land.

The world is black, the world is white
It turns by day and then by night,
A child is black, a child is white
Together they grow to see the light, to see the light.

And now at last we plainly see
We'll have a dance of Liberty, Liberty!

[Clay finishes by doing the splits and all the other choir boys gather around him, cheering, patting him on the back, and lifting him on their shoulders.]

MRS. WATKINS (triumphantly) : “That boy has some green-eyed soul in him and enough rocker to satisfy the most discriminating tastes!” Clayton Grissom, you are now the lead singer with the Boys’ Choir of Raleigh!

[This is followed by a montage of CLAY singing with the Choir. (Note : in all this snippets, Clay must be shown as singing lead vocals, as per the Lifetime contract with Mr. Aiken.) First he sings a few lines of “Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child,” while the other boys hum the background tune, then “Go Down, Moses,” followed by “God Bless the Child.” They finish with a spirited rendition of “Do-Re-Mi.” (Note: If Dakota Fanning cannot hit the final high note, please call in Quiana Parler for dubbing. Ms. Parler is known for singing the notes Mr. Aiken can’t reach in concert as well, and will probably do this for a minimal payment.) The choir’s rendition of “Do-Re-Mi” fades into just CLAY singing this song as he plays in his backyard with his family’s pet goat.]

CLAY: Listen Jimmy : “When you know the notes to sing, you can sing ‘most anything!” Aren’t I good? I can’t wait till our concert tomorrow. We’re even singing a special song about you goats in our “Sound of Music” medley. Want to hear it? “High on a hill was a lonely goatherd / Lay ee odl lay ee old lay hee hoo! / Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd / Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!”

[With each line of the song, JIMMY THE GOAT bounds higher in the air, almost as if he’s dancing to the song. He romps back and forth across the yard, jumping high. On the last line, he runs toward the fence and leaps right over it. Suddenly there’s the sound-fx of brakes slamming and a crash. CLAY runs to the fence and sees JIMMY THE GOAT has been hit by a car. He runs out the gate and cradles JIMMY’s head in his lap.]

CLAY : Jimmy, Jimmy! Don’t die!

JIMMY : Bahhhh. (He dies.)

CLAY (crying) : It’s all my fault!

[The shadow of a man suddenly blocks the sunlight. It is RAY PARKER, CLAY’s abusive (but not racist) stepfather.]

RAY : It WAS all your fault, Clayton! I saw the whole thing out the back window! You killed Jimmy!!! Jimmy was my wedding gift to your mother! We were using his milk to feed Brett. Jimmy tended the grass in the backyard so I wouldn’t have to mow it. He was a dear and cherished member of our family. Next year I was going to slaughter him and sell the meat to send your mama to interior decorating school. And now look what you done!

[We hear the sounds of RAY punching and beating CLAY as the scene fades out; the scene fades in on MRS. WATKINS ministering to CLAY’s wounds much like his first music teacher did in the earlier section of the movie.]

MRS. WATKINS : Clayton, we can’t have you out there singing with two black eyes and all these bruises on your face.

CLAY : Not even with make-up to cover them? (He takes out a make-up box and tries to cover the bruises. It doesn’t work.) What if I use really dark make-up?

[Clay applies make-up to his face until he looks like he is African American.] CLAY’s VOICE OVER : Today they might call my actions racist. But it was just the opposite for me. I wasn’t making fun of anyone, nor was I putting anyone down. I wanted to BECOME black, just like my friends in the boys’ choir. I wanted to show my racist father that we are all the same. Mrs. Watson agreed!

MRS. WATSON (sobbing) : Clay, you have done more to erase racism in the south than anyone I’ve ever known.

CLAY : Well, Mrs. Watson, we can’t forget such important figures as Dr. King, Malcolm X, and so many others. I’m just one small cog....in the wheel of that sweet chariot...that will someday be coming for to carry ALL of us... black and white... red and yellow and pink and green... home.

MRS. WATSON : You are my hero, Clayton Grissom.

(A montage shows CLAY leading the Boys’ Choir through several songs. CLOSE-UPS of Mrs. Watkins, Faye Parker, and Ray Parker all cheering. However, in the back of the auditorium, VERNON GRISSOM is watching and seething. The scene fades out on the boys singing and fades in on the boys in their dressing room after the show. VERNON drunkenly enters the room.]

VERNON : Where is he? Where is he? No son of mine will ever pretend to be black!

[Clay switches off the lights in the dressing room and yells to the boys:] Don’t smile and he’ll never find you. Now let’s run!

[The boys all run out the back door into the alley and VERNON lurches out after them.]

VERNON : Which one of you is my son?

CHOIR BOY #1 (stepping forward) : I am your son.

[VERNON lurches toward him.]

CHOIR BOY #2 : I am your son.

[VERNON turns toward him.]

CHOIR BOY #3 : I am your son.

[VERNON turns around as, one by one, a dozen more boys step forward claiming to be Clay. Finally, Vernon, in confusion, stumbles away.]

CLAY’S VOICE-OVER : Racism in the south didn’t end that day, but I’d like to feel that the action of me and my fellow choir members -- my new FRIENDS -- played a small role in changing race relations in Raleigh, North Carolina. The times, they were a-changing.

[We hear a voice-over of Clay singing, “Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-” and his voice cracks on the final note. He tries it again and the same thing happens.]

CLAY : The times weren’t the only thing changing. So was my voice.

[Young Clay, played by Dakota Fanning, picks up a mirror and looks at it. The reflection reveals Teenage Clay, played by kd lang. The scene fades to a commercial.....]

To be continued.