THE CELLY AWARDS

Bitch, bitch, bitch...

No, we’re not counting Claymates. We’re discussing Clay Aiken’s attitude about the Relly Award Nominations, given out annually -- and in the spirit of fun! -- by the Regis and Kelly show.

Though Clay embarrassed himself royally on the program (whoring for attention, rudely making fun of Kelly’s singing ability, and disrespectfully putting his hand over her mouth while she was interviewing a guest) the mats felt he was entitled to win Rellys in several categories this year, including Best Guest Host and even Funniest Moment -- “a moment” that Kelly clearly did not find humorous.

Clay also shares that sense of entitlement. A previous winner, he seems to be expecting another great big old Spam sandwich from his mats, telling them at the Tampa meet-and-greet last Friday that he “really wants to win” -- even though the nominations had already been announced and he was clearly not on the list.

Perhaps he’s expecting the mats to start another Jericho-styled “nut” campaign to get him that Relly. There certainly are enough nuts among the mats to accomplish this. Listen to this nut:

“Our darling Clay is still such an innocent. He really thought the Relly was on the up-and-up and that his Claymates could vote him another statue. So sad that the world is such that Clay has to keep getting lessons on the rotting insides of some Hollywood people.”

Another Claynut chimes in:

“I do believe that there is God and HE will never let these b*d people win...”

Since the chances of Clay winning a real Relly are slim-to-none, we thought we’d instead present him with a few “Celly Awards.” Named after Clay’s much beloved Cellcerts, these awards celebrate the high points of his current concert tour which is ending tonight.

Here are the nominations:


THE “WE LIE EVEN MORE THAN CLAY DOES” AWARD, given to the biggest told by concert-going mats

a) “There are a lot of men here tonight!”
b) “Every seat is full!”
c) “I saw beside a man who was clearly dragged to the concert by his wife and had no interest in being there. By the end of the show he was on his feet cheering, with tears running down his cheeks.”
d) “Clay’s never sounded better!”
e) “Clay came to my side of the stage and sang to me for twenty seconds.”
f) "Best. Concert. Ever."


MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT OF THE TOUR AWARD

a) When Clay couldn’t climb back on the stage and had to lay there struggling for several seconds, as if he were waiting for Jerome to come out and flip him over like a partially-cooked burger.
b) The after-show visit to the hospital where Clay had to get a shot after eating a butter pecan cookie. (This event DID happen, but was downplayed on the Clayboards. I wonder why....)
c) The time Clay’s shirt rode up and exposed some...SKIN (thud...thud...dancing bananas...thud.)
d) The cancellation of the Cary bus line
e) Toegate


THE “YOU’RE INVITED ON THE BUS, ETHEL, AS LONG AS YOU SIT IN BACK” AWARD, for the most racist moment of the tour

a) Clay referring to Angela and Quiana as his “black-up” singers
b) Clay’s “George Jefferson dance” while singing “Movin’ on Up”
c) Clay throwing shoes at Angela during her solo
d) Clay’s comments about his back-up singers not being seen unless they smiled


MOST CRINGE-WORTHY, EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF THE TOUR AWARD

a) Clay burping, then making it worse by discussing flatulence
b) Clay forgetting the words to most songs
c) Back-up singers having to hit the high notes when Clay couldn’t do it
d) TV theme medley
e) Flat Clay dancing in a hotel room window
f) Sexyback hitting the internet


THE “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL AWARD” for how many ways can he tell them he’s gay without actually fornicating live on stage with a man

a) Clay’s dramatic, clearly tongue-in-cheek “big announcement” that “I am...not cool.”
b) His performance of “Like a Virgin”
c) The way he caressed that microphone like it was something he met on manhunt.com
d) Everything but intermission


THE “SMACK ME UPSIDE THE HEAD IF I EVER CHANGE” AWARD, for the most dramatic physical transformation on this tour:

a) Shaved arms and legs
b) Increased girth
c) Bound cloobies
d) Spray tan
e) Bonded teeth


MOST IMMATURE MOMENT AWARD

a) Throwing shoes at back-up singers
b) Unrelenting, never-ending and exhaustive complaining about the “fat” letter that was sent to his back-up singer
c) Forgetting the lyrics to even his signature songs
d) Making fun of Ruben for sweating
e) Getting whipped on stage


MOST OBVIOUS CLUE THAT THE VOICE IS GONE AWARD

a) Back-ups having to hit the high notes
b) Having audience sing along for most of the songs
c) Increased ratio of bad “banter” to bad singing
d) The horrified expressions on the faces of symphony members when he went for the glory notes

The Celly Awards are still accepting more nominations. Feel free to add your own.

The Celly Awards...honoring the good, the b*d, and the fugly......