Thursday, July 26, 2007


Definitions for the world of Clay Aiken!

Afghanistan: a nice place for a photo-op.

Calliek: apparently some kind of geologist or volcano-expert who confuses the name Clay with the geological term clay and mistakenly drops by Clay Aiken message boards to warn that the lava is's rising...can you feel...the lava...rising....

Clack: Youtube pollution.

Claynation: a country run by a dictator and populated by brainwashed citizens who support him financially and emotionally, often at the expense of their own families. Occasionally a member of this nation will break free and seek refuge at, but many others will go to their grave in the grips of their dictator.

Cliggle: a Faiken sound effect. Also the subject of the forthcoming book REAL MEN DON'T CLIGGLE.

Clonchos: the latest in raingear for mats.

Cloptical Illusion: a strange eye-brain malady that causes a mat to look at a nearly empty audience containing only elderly women and see a sell-out crowd evenly divided between women and men.

Faye: short for famewhore.

Flat Clay: the best way to describe Faikens current singing voice.

Footgate: the day that oh those little piggies went whee-whee-whee-whee right to the FBI office.

Hawt: something Clay is nawt.

Jerome: someone mats chase after, give gifts to, audition for, get autographs from, and snap pictures of. They adore him. But if they get too close to Faiken, he'll tear their guts out.

Learning to Sing: ghost-written book.

Lover All Alone: ghost-written song.

Manly: an adjective that mats frequently and inexplicably use to describe Faiken.

M&G: a place where mats are not allowed to kiss Clay, not allowed to hug him too tightly, only allowed to take one picture, and only allowed to have one item signed. Disappointing? Not really, because at least it gives them the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to ask why he shaves his arms and legs.

Meotion: a term that refers to a superstrong feeling; an emotion to the nth degree. Example: The beauty of the sunrise filled me with emotion. But when Supersexysingerman grabs his crotch, I'm filled with MEOTION, baby!

Okclayhoman: the moose that bellowed; the exception to the theory that even a stopped clock is right twice a day; wants to be cornholed by Clay.

Olemass: one of the rare mats who has a penis; may not admit it, but also wants to be cornholed by Clay.

Pants of perfection: Something Faiken wore many Krispy Kremes ago.

Ruben: the winner of American Idol 2!

Runner-up: the person who placed second to Ruben.

Sixty-nine: 1) Something Faiken does with his Manhunt hook-ups. 2) The average age of a Claymat.

Snark: humor with a queeny, bitchy quality, usually practiced by gay men.

Spam: both a noun and a verb, as used in this sentence, My children are eating Spam sandwiches tonight because I'm too busy spamming this Favorite Rock Star poll to fix them dinner.

Sperm donor: what Faiken calls his father; what JP will be if he ever donates that used washcloth to a BAF fundraiser.

STFU hand move: a signal that Faiken uses to quiet others and draw attention to himself. With the mats, it's a hand movement etched in the air; with Kelly Ripa, it's a cold, clammy hand placed directly over her mouth.

Tabloid: any newspaper or magazine, from the National Enquirer to the New York Times or Christian Science Monitor, that dares to mention Faiken in less than glowing terms.

Thud: a word that describes Faiken's future, as in His musical career started off with great promise, but ended with a thud.

Touch: Something Faiken is never going to sing in concert or do to a Claymat.

Waldo: any crease or seam on the front of Faiken's pants.

Webcam: a word that, strangely, cannot be found in any mats vocabulary.

XXX: 1) The rating for Faiken's When Doves Cry dance in his family friendly shows. 2) The average size of mats stretch pants.

ZZZ: the effect Clay's music has on most normal listeners.

Thanks to Calliyuck for a VERY funny blog!
Feel free to chime in with your own Clay-land definitions!