Several months ago, I was visited by a new patient, a stout, 58-year-old female we will call "Mrs. A" . Her presenting ailment was extreme bruising on her hands, elbows. breasts, genitals, and knees. "Mrs. A" told me she had tripped on the sidewalk and, after ascertaining that she had no broken bones, fractures, or deep-muscle contusions, I prescribed the appropriate medication and told her to return in two weeks. Upon her return, I was shocked to discover even more bruising and abrasions in the areas noted above. She claimed another fall on the sidewalk, but I firmly insisted she get to the truth of the matter. After some hemming and hawing, she admitted that she is what is known as a "Claymate" -- or a fan of the entertainer and American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken. With some embarrassment, she revealed that the bruising and abrasions occurred due to a large paper figure known as "Flat Clay" . Apparently this paper figure was kept propped against a wall in the "Clay Room" of "Mrs. A's" home. At various times of the day I could not help myself, "Mrs. A" admitted she would fling herself against this figure, bumping and grinding in pretend sexual intercourse. Other times she would lay the figure on the ground and throw herself upon it, while gyrating and screaming, "Clay! Waldo! Clay! Waldo!" and causing further injuries.
In due course, several of "Mrs. A's" friends were referred to my practice, all suffering from physical and psychological illnesses associated with being Claymates. I have compiled a list of these maladies so that other physicians will know what to look for when treating a certain faction of their patients. In my experience, most Claymates are female, post-menopausal, overweight, and suffer from low self-esteem.
Among the illnesses I have identified:
Achin' Feet: Condition that occurs when patient stands in the cold and rain for two hours, hoping to make a deep personal connection with Mr. Aiken as he ever-so-briefly shakes her hand beside his bus.
Betsy Wetsy Sickness: When a patient dissolves into tears every time they hear a Clay Aiken song on the radio, see his picture in the newspaper, or hear his name mentioned. The patient will usually seek attention by loudly announcing "I cant stop crying!" during these events. In extreme cases, they will also wet their pants.
Clemorrhoids: A condition that occurs when the patient has her head so far up Mr. Aiken's ass that all she can see are his rotting insides.
Crushed pelvis and broken legs: What occurs when the increasingly chunky Mr. Aiken falls off the stage and into the laps of those sitting in the front row.
Eardrum puncture: an injury that occurs when a patient sticks a conductors baton into her own ear while demonstrating Mr. Aiken's "hilarious" concert antics to her familly and friends. There have also been reports of punctured eardrums from those in the audience when Mr. Aiken tried to sing the last note of "All is Well" at last years Christmas concert.
Frigid Cardiopathy (AKA Cold Heart Syndrome): Patient would rather attend Clay Aiken's Christmas Concert for the ninth time than attend her own daughter's wedding; in another case, a patient skipped her husband's funeral so she could listen to a live cellcert.
Hawt flashes: Menopausal syndrome.
High blood sugar: A condition experienced by anyone who attended Mr. Aiken's treacly, sugarcoated Christmas play about a woman who lost the spirit of the holidays.
Hyena Syndrome: A condition in which the patient laughs loudly and hysterically at every word of Mr. Aiken's banter, even though almost none of it merits laughter.
Itza My Birthday Too Syndrome: This malady is named for a line from the classic sitcom "I LOVE LUCY". In one episode, Lucy Ricardo is visiting Italy and missing her young son on his birthday. She meets an Italian street urchin who tells her, "Itza my birthday too!" so she decides to throw a party for this boy in Little Ricky's absence. Getting wind of free cake and gifts, more and more children show up announcing, "Itza my birthday too!". This illness is played out among the Claymate's in a similar fashion. When Mr. Aiken announced he does not like Mexican food, several Claymate's (many of whom ate at Taco Bell the day before) suddenly announced, "Ive always hated that dry, pasty food too!". When Mr. Aiken announced he was taking Paxil, we received calls from over twenty patients asking for prescriptions to Paxil.
Loss of circulation: This occurs to a Claymate's lower extremities when she tries to squeeze her size XXX body into a medium-size Clay thong.
Mod Malady: Psychological condition in which the phrase "I'm going to lock this now" is repeated thousands of times throughout day for no real reason.
Oklahoman Larynx Condition: Syndrome in which all speech is bellowed, rather than spoken.
Repetitive Behavior: Psychological condition in which patient is compelled to buy dozens of copies of each Aiken album and vote hundreds of times in any Aiken-related poll
Selective Vision: An optical condition in which a Claymate can identify one of Mr. Aiken's stray nose hairs at thirty feet, but a clear and uncompromised photograph taken by a webcam is deemed photoshopped.
Thudding: A "Clay-ism" for passing out due to Mr. Aiken's (appearance, voice, smile, shaved arms, attitude, hairstyle, stubble, rings, TV theme medley, or many other factors.) Frequently a Claymate will fall on her head and become mentally imbalanced. Some doctors have suggested that such patients were already mentally imbalanced to begin with -- a condition that drew them Mr. Aiken in the first place.
Note: Many of the above illnesses and injuries are treatable! Patients need only visit the "medicine chest" at www.clayaikenfraudsquad.com.