Thursday, August 30, 2007

Clay and Ruben : The Rematch?

Earlier today, Zyban said:

I was talking to a friend of mine (who "lurks" here, HI Friend!!!) and she told me that "Gallant" announced he will have a CD out in January and soon after Cloofus, who has been saying it will be a long wait for his next, has (all of a sudden) started talking about releasing a CD in January too? Coincidence? Jealousy? I would bet for the latter.

Dramamine added:

Hmmm .... very interesting, Zyban. You're right. In the early M&G's, Clay was telling the Claymates that it might take quite a while for his next CD to come out, then suddenly, the projected release date was "early 2008"? Could be that Sony/BMG may want to ramp up the competitive fires again for the benefit of both Ruben and Clay, huh?

This is interesting news! What else happens every January? American Idol returns for a new season. After the somewhat disappointing ratings this past year, what better way for AI to begin their new season with a bang than to revisit one the most successful AI events from yesteryear? With both Ruben and Clay coming out (you've never seen those last three words together before, have you?) with new CDs in January, maybe AI will invite them back for a rematch.

Imagine it:

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome to our new season of American Idol! We're going to start our series somewhat differently this year -- with a rematch between Season Two finalists Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard. Tonight, each will be performing three songs from their new CDs and you'll have an opportunity to vote for who you think is best. Will Ruben retain his title as American Idol? Will Clay finally make up for his previous second-place and no longer be known as "America's runner-up?" You'll decide, ladies and gentleman, but first let's say hello to our judges. Randy Jackson!

RANDY: Yo, what's up, Dawg!

RYAN: Paula Abduhl!

PAULA: Giggle.

RYAN: And Simon Cowell!

(Cowell gives a pained smile then sips from his Coke glass, making sure the product insignia is prominently facing the camera.)

RYAN: And now let's chat for a minute with our contestants, Clay and Ruben.

(Ruben's fans in the audience politely applaud. The Claymates scream and thud. Oklahoman holds up a corncob and makes a dirty gesture.)

RYAN: Has it really been five years? You two have really changed. I see a difference of about a hundred pounds.

RUBEN: Yes, I did lose a hundred pounds, Ryan.

RYAN: I know, but I was actually talking about the hundred that Clay gained. (The corncob flies out of the audience and hits Ryan on the side of his head.) Let's talk a bit about your new albums.

RUBEN: My CD is called "In a Blues Mood" and incorporates elements of pop, rock, soul, jazz and the blues. I wrote most of the songs and my producers include Quincy Jones and Don Was.

CLAY: Mine's called "Let's Get Under the Covers." (The mats in the audience have a collective screaming orgasm.) It's a collection of cover recordings. My mother selected all the songs and Jaymes Foster produced them.

RYAN: Very interesting. Is there anything you'd like to say to each other?

RUBEN: Good luck, Clay.

CLAY: I'm going to kick your butt on the charts, and if I don't, my Claymates will kick your butt in the parking lot.

RYAN: Okay, we flipped a coin to see who goes first. Ruben won. Whatcha gonna sing for us first, Rube?

RUBEN: I wrote this song myself. It's called "Come Back, I Need Ya."

(Ruben sings his song and receives great applause, except from the mats, who ostentiously put on earplugs and listen to Measure of a Man when Ruben sings.)

RYAN: Great job, Ruben. What do you think, panel?

RANDY: You left here an idol, dawg, but you returned a superstar!

PAULA: Giggle. Like Randy said, you left your idol's dog and returned a snooper's car. What? What?

SIMON: Simply brilliant, Ruben.

RYAN: And now Clay's first song.

CLAY: I'm going to sing one of my mother's favorites, Smoky Robinson's 'I Second That Meotion.'"

RYAN: Don't you mean E-motion?

CLAY: No, I'm singing in secret code for my Mates. (Oklahoman thuds and must be carried out on a stretcher.)

(Clay sings an uninspired version of the song which impresses no one, including the mats, but they pretend to like it.)

RYAN: What did you think of Clay's song, Randy?

RANDY: I've worked with Smoky, dawg, and you don't got it going on like Smoky.

PAULA: Giggle. I think...well, like Randy said: you can work a smoky dog but don't go on smoking. What? What? What did I say?

SIMON: Amazing. ...Amazingly BAD.

(As the show goes to commercial, Clay whores for votes by winking at the camera, holding up two fingers, rubbing his crotch and moaning, and pointing to individual mats in the audience. When the show returns from commercial, Ruben sings his latest single, "The Longest Night" which Randy calls "outstanding," which Paula calls "giggle, outstanding, what?" and Simon calls "A number one hit.")

RYAN: What are you going to sing, Clay?

CLAY: A tribute to one of my mother's favorite singers, Patti Page. (He begins to sing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window." The response is weak.)

RYAN: Let's see what our judges think. Mr. Jackson?

RANDY: I don't know, man, that was kind of weird. I don't know.

PAULA: What Randy said...I agree...what?

SIMON: I nev-ah thought someone could squeeze a glory note out of "How Much is That Doggie in the Window." Dreadful, Clay. Simply dreadful.

(Clay whores for votes, pretending to be the canine he just sang about by "sitting up" like a dog and panting, then shaking his behind like he's wagging his tail. The Claymates will later agree that IF Clay had a tail, it would be longer and thicker and more manly than any other singer's tail. Someone on the CB starts a movement to call his nonexistent tail a "waldon't, because he don't really have one...isn't that cute?...dancing bananas, dancing bananas!!!" but the thread only gets three responses and mysteriously "disappears" in the middle of the night.)

RYAN: Finally, Ruben will perform his last song.

(Ruben sings an original piece, "I Was Your Sin, You Were My Salvation" which Randy calls, "Your best song EVER, dawg!" and which Paula calls "Your song ever dawg best...what? Why are you laughing?" Simon calls it, "A classic.")

RYAN: And now Clay's final song.

CLAY: Last summer, I did a TV theme song medley during my SYMPHONY CONCERT tour. Later, my mother told me that she was disappointed I didn't include her favorite TV theme I included it on this album...just for her.

(Clay begins skipping around the stage singing:)

Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes...THAT GIRL (points to his mother in the audience)
Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime...THAT GIRL (points to Oklahomon on her stretcher)
Sable, popcorn, white wine...THAT GIRL (points to Corabeth)
Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway...THAT GIRL (points to a whole row of Claymates, who scream simultaneously)

(By the time he's finished singing, Randy is laughing too hard to comment, Paula is too confused to comment, and Simon has walked off the show. As Ryan gives the call-in numbers, Ruben smiles and waves at the audience. Clay keeps pointing at all his "that girl" Claymates, thrusts out his waldo, wiggles his waldon't, and pretends to pray.)

That night the mats organize phone-in parties and OleMass starts a prayer chain so that Clay will win.

The next night, the winner is revealed to be....

Does it matter?

If Clay won, it would only be because the mats spammed the voting.

If he lost, the mats would just say the entire thing was a big crooked rip-off and send letters to the FCC.

Whatever the outcome, this much is probably clear: Ruben's CD will go platinum and win three Grammys. Clay's will win no awards, but will sell 500,000 copies.

So what if it only sold that many because one thousand Claymate each bought 500 a piece?

Highlights for Hatehs

Gallant thanks a fan for buying his album. Cloofus demands the fan buy seven more copies.

Gallant performs for the NAACP. Cloofus gets questioned by the FBI.

Gallant is kind to animals. Cloofus still has some 'splaining to do about that dead cat and dead goat.

Gallant is played on the radio. Cloofus makes sarcastic comments about payola.

Gallant sings "Superstar" and is nominated for a Grammy -- a sign of respect from the music industry. Cloofus sings the theme from "Laverne and Shirley" -- and wonders why he gets no respect from the music industry.

Gallant's mother respectfully sits on the sidelines and lets her son enjoy the limelight. Cloofus's mother appears on "Dancing Like the Stars."

Gallant is affectionately known as the Velvet Teddy Bear. Cloofus is not-so-affectionately known as Faiken.

Gallant's name is synonymous with "Quality in Music." Cloofus's name is synonymous with "Quality Inn."

Gallant won American Idol. Cloofus was, is, and will always be known as the runner-up.