Monday, August 13, 2007

To Be a Claymate, One Must Learn to Walk on Shifting Sands....

August 1, 2007

Aiken’sGirl: What do you love most about Clay?

Clackle-doodle-doo: His high moral standards!

Clayby’sWetNurse: Yes, you can always depend on our Clayby to put on a wholesome, family-friendly show. You can take your ninety-year-old grandma or your two-year-old son and no one will be offended.

Clayismydouche: He’s so pure! It’s almost like he’s a saint.

IWuvClay’sToenail: It sickens me to see what other performers do on stage. Clay is really one of a kind. He’s brought back G-rated entertainment and I love him for it!

August 13, 2007

Aiken’sGirl: Did you see Angela whip Clay last night?

Clackle-doodle-doo: Oh, Mr. Sex-ay Man.

Aiken’sGirl: I thought it was a little much, frankly.

Clayby’sWetNurse: No, it was cuuuuuuute!

Aiken’sGirl: I thought his shows were for the entire family -- and that bit was a little raunchy.

Clayismydouche: It was fun. Clay has always had a slightly bawdy sense of humor.

Aiken’sGirl: I think I liked him better when he was family friendly.

Clayismydouche: You’re being ridiculous. It’s not as if he did anything blatantly SEXUAL. You need to grow up.

IWuvClay’sToenail: I think Aiken’sGirl is beginning to sound like a hat-eh.

August 15, 2007

Aiken’sGirl: What did you think of the clack from last night’s show? Personally, I was a little disappointed when someone threw that cucumber on the stage and Clay stuck it through the fly of his pants and chased Angela and Quiana around the stage.

Clackle-doodle-doo: Oh I thought that was adorable!!!!

Clayby’sWetNurse: Thud!

Clayismydouche: I wish I was that cucumber!

IWuvClay’sToenail: I wish I was Angela or Quiana!!!!

Aiken’sGirl: Don’t you think it was...just...a little bit tacky? For a G-rated show?

Clayby’sWetNurse: Well, maybe it was PG, or PG-13 at the worst, but I can’t imagine anyone being offended.

Clayismydouche: Most modern performers are MUCH worse!

IWuvClay’sToenail: Let Clay be Clay! If you don’t like him, why don’t you go join the Fraud Squad, Aiken’sGirl!

August 17, 2007

Aiken’sGirl: I just got done watching last night’s clack and I’m in a state of shock! Halfway through “Back for More” Clay tore off Angela’s shirt and she was standing there topless wearing a pair of nipple rings! Then Clay tears off his five shirts and HE’S got a pair of nipple rings too! Then Quianna hooks this big chain between Angela’s rings and Clay’s rings and they start dragging each other around the floor of the stage!

Clackle-doodle-doo: That’s so charming! I love how playful they are together!

Clayby’sWetNurse: I’d be ‘back for more’ of that! Thud!!!

Aiken’sGirl: But...but there were kids in the audience. One man was a preacher from South Carolina, there with his wife and three children under ten years old!

IWuvClay’sToenail: So what? Clay and Angela were just playing tug of war! Kids love tug of war! Sometimes I wonder about you, Aiken’sGirl!

Clackle-doodle-doo: She’s a hat-eh. Are you sure your name isn’t...........Percocet?????????

August 20, 2007

Aiken’sGirl: Okay, this is the last straw. I just watched the clack from last night’s performance! Clay didn’t sing a note! He just came out, engaged in some juvenile banter, and then ripped all of Angela’s clothes off. Then he pulled all his clothes off and actually had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with her right there on the stage. To the accompaniment of the symphony! For two hours!

Clackle-doodle-doo: Me likee a man with staying power!!!

IWuvClay'sToenail: Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Call the clambulance! I’ve thudded and I can’t get up!

Aiken’sGirl: It was totally inappropriate! There were CHILDREN in that audience!

Clay’sWetNurse: Oh calm down. “Teacher Clay” was just giving a little biology lesson, right girls?

IWuvClay’sToenail: Right. OMC is a VERY SMART man and VERY TASTEFUL too! He’d never do anything wrong. Ever. I trust you with my life, Clay!!!!

Aiken’sGirl: It was like a scene from an X-rated movie!

Clayismydouche: And if it was, I’m sure it was done very tastefully! Besides, having sex with Angela for two hours will stop all those nay-sayers from saying he’s gay.

Aiken’sGirl: Hey....yeah. ...Maybe you’re right. ...Maybe I was being a little too critical and mean-spirited.

Clayismydouche: Right. Just relax, honey. Have a glass or Kool-Aid and let’s all watch more of this wonderful family-friendly clack!