Friday, September 7, 2007

The Mats vs. The Medicine Chest

It would be hard to find two groups of people more different than the Claymates and the Fraud Squad.

Members of the Fraud Squad have been described as articulate, intelligent, thoughtful, individualistic, opinionated, discerning, humorous, perceptive, brilliant, intellectual, enlightened, hardworking, deep-thinking, and good in bed. (Actually, I just threw that last one in to see if anyone was still paying attention.)

The Claymates are generally described as crazy...and...and...well, that’s about it.

But to get a true sense of how the two groups differ, we should probably compare their reactions to the same situation. Which group comes off looking more intelligent, humorous, and thoughtful? Which group comes off looking like a collection of crazed cult members?

You decide.

1. Perez Hilton appears on Jimmy Kimmel’s Show and makes a disparaging remark about Clay Aiken.

Mat reaction : He’s a pig! He’s a pig and he must be slaughtered like a pig!

Fraud Squad reaction : My, that Perez Hilton is quite perspicacious!

2. Jimmy Kimmel continues the interview.

Mat reaction : I can’t believe Jimmy didn’t throw that pig off the set! You know Jimmy and Clay are bestest friends. Clay is Jimmy’s go-to guest whenever someone cancels at the last minute.

Fraud Squad reaction : Just like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly used to be Johnny Carson’s go-to guests and Richard Simmons is David Letterman’s current go-to guest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3. Someone at the CB decides the Claynation must take a stand!

Mat reaction : Let’s buy a new chair for Jimmy Kimmel’s set; we don’t want Clay sitting on the same seat that pig sullied.

Fraud Squad reaction : Oh please! Clay didn’t even sit down on one of those chairs the last time he appeared on Kimmel’s show. He was mounted on top of an animal with an erection.

4. Oh, was JP there?

Mat reaction : La-la-la-la-la! I can’t hear you!

Fraud Squad reaction : Actually, we don’t talk about him anymore either.

5. The Mats plan a fundraiser to buy a chair.

Mat reaction : Let’s use the motto “Give Till it Hurts!”

Fraud Squad reaction : Ironic. That’s also Clay’s pick-up line on

6. The Mats plot how they’ll earn the money for the chair.

Mat reaction : I’ll have my eight-year-old daughter cut back on her insulin shots to save money. Clay’s been so good to us -- he deserve that new chair!

Fraud Squad reaction : Does someone have the number for the child abuse hotline?

7. The Claynation decides to have “Clay’s Special Seat” monogrammed.

Mat reactions : “How about we monogram it: HOME FOR HIS HEAVENLY HEINIE?”

“I know! we can make it rhyme: “Clayby, if you want to rest your cheeks, here’s the place / And, no, we’re not talking about the cheeks on your face.”


“How about we draw a picture of Perez Hilton and put a line across it, and underneath we’ll write NO PIGS ALLOWED?”

Fraud Squad reaction : Another helpful phone number is 1-800-INSANE ASYLUM.

8. The Mats debate what kind of chair they should buy.

Mat reaction : Well, there needs to be plenty of “Waldo room” in front, plus an area where Clayby can stretch out his long, lean, muscular legs in front of him. And in order for Clay to “banter” with both his bestest friend Jimmy and any guest sitting on his right, the chair should turn from side to side.

Fraud Squad reaction : Make sure the chair can at least make quarter turns. That’s very important to Clay.

9. Jimmy Kimmel announces that Clay will be appearing on his show next Thursday.

Mat reaction : Dancing bananas, dancing bananas, thud-thud-thud.

Fraud Squad reaction : Oh no, Gary Coleman must have cancelled his appearance.

10. The upper echelon of the Claynation has a private meeting to decide how to present the chair at the Kimmel show.

Mat reaction : So, Corabeth and Scooter are going to decorate the chair with a hundred mylar balloons, then Chexxxy’s going to do the presentation, then Oklahoman’s going to sing the national anthem and lead us all in the pledge of allegiance (“I pledge allegiance to us hags of the United States of American and to the republic for which we stand, one Claynation, etc., etc.”) and then Clay will slowly lower himself into the waiting seat while we all scream and scream and scream.

Fraud Squad reaction : OMG.

11. On the big night, Jimmy pulls a fast one, having Perez Hilton run out and jump into the new chair before Clay sits down in it.

Fraud Squad reaction : Actually, it was pretty funny how Perez grabbed the seat first and then Clay sat in his lap for the rest of the interview.

Mat reaction : That wasn’t Clay. It was an imposter! I bet it was Thom York in disguise. Or someone wearing a Clay mask. Or, or maybe they just photoshopped Clay onto the screen like they did all that stuff in Forrest Gump. It was trick photography -- no doubt!