Tuesday, September 18, 2007

FS Under New Management

Moved to http://clayaikenfraudsquadrevisited.blogspot.com

Monday, September 10, 2007

REUNITED : The Secret E-mails

News of the upcoming "Reunited Tour," starring Ruben Studdard, Kimberley Locke, and Clay Aiken may have come as a shock to many fans, but here at the Fraud Squad we've been secretly following this story for some time. In fact, one of our sources has been providing us with some of the e-mails that have been ricocheting back and forth between Ruben's computer in Alabama, Kim's computer in California, and Clay's computer in whatever city his latest Manhunt hook-up lives. We cannot print all of these private e-mails at this time, but can offer a selection of notes on a variety of topics.


To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Will this tour have a name?

How about calling it the "AI2 Final Three Reunion"?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Will this tour have a name?

How about :"Reunited"?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Will This tour have a name?

What's wrong with "An Evening with Clay Aiken...and Friends"?



To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: What should we wear?

Think we should dress formal or informal? Now that I've lost weight and Clay has gained weight, I'm afraid he'll start borrowing my clothes.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: What should we wear?

I know how you feel. That was always a problem back when I lived with him too.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: Rubens@hotmail.com
Subject: Rehearsal time

We need to book a rehearsal hall. How many days do you think we'll need? I usually like to rehearse for 3-4 weeks.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Rehearsal time

I usually rehearse between six and eight hours a day for two to three weeks.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagree@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Rehearsal time

I usually need about one afternoon for rehearsal...and most of that time is spent writing up the cue cards with my song lyrics on them.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Song list

Before we decide what songs we'll each be singing, I guess we should make a list of our radio hits that the fans will be expecting us to sing. For me, that means singing Flying without Wings, Superstar, Sorry 2004, I Need an Angel, and Make Ya Feel Beautiful.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Song list

That means I'll be singing Eighth World Wonder, Wrong, I Could, Band of Gold, and Supawoman.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Song list.

I'll be singing Invisible.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Song list

I think we should probably each do another 6-8 solo numbers. I guess I'll feature original songs from my new album that's coming out in a couple months.

To RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Song list

I have quite a few numbers I can choose from my next album too.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Song list

My new covers album, Clay Aiken Sings the Celine Dion Songbook, will be released by January, so I'll have plenty to choose from as well.



To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Any requirements?

Do you guys have any special requirements/needs at each venue? They want us to submit a list.

Speaking for myself, I like a fresh vegetable tray and some bottled water...if it's not too much trouble for the venue.

To: RubenS@hotmail, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Any requirements?

I'd like to have several bottles of soda pop -- both diet and regular -- available for backstage guests. If the venue can't afford this, I will give someone $20 plus a tip to run out and get it. Thanks.

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Any requirements?

REQUIRE: Hot breakfast to include scrambled eggs and omelet station (FOOD PREPARED PREVIOUS NIGHT IS UNACCEPTABLE; ALL FOOD MUST BE FRESHLY PREPARED!)

REQUIRE: Bacon, sausage, home fries, PLUS one entree selection (French toast, pancakes, waffles, crepes, egg muffins, etc.)

REQUIRE: Assorted breads included white, wheat, and raisin, muffins, donuts, pop-tarts, and bagels.

REQUIRE: Milk (whole, 2%), soy milk (including chocolate soy milk, and regular soy milk), assorted sodas, water and juices.

Actually, rather than include all my demands here, I'll just have Uncle Jess fax over the entire document, since it's 30 pages not including the confidentiality agreements that everyone on the tour will have to sign -- including you two.



To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: The Unspoken Issue

Which one of us is going to talk to Clay about wearing Odor Eaters and keeping his feet off our bus seats?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re; The Unspoken Issue

I'll gladly talk to him about that. MY biggest fear is that he's going to try to write a script for this show and insist I put on a wig and play the part of "Miss Beverly"!

To: TheQueenMother@aol.com
From: WWJD@aol.com
Subject: Help!

Mama, what am I going to do if Kim and Ruben try to upstage me? The show is going to be divided into four parts (three solo sections and then one section where we all sing together) which means I only get one quarter turn to shine on my own. They're going to be singing all their hits, plus brand new original songs, and all I've got to sing is dumb old "Invisible," plus Celine's "My Heart Will Go On," even though I can't sing that high anymore without Quiana to hit the top notes for me. What am I doing to do?

To: WWJD@aol.com
From: TheQueenMother@aol.com
Subject: Re: Help!

Clayton, you have nothing to worry about. Do Ruben and Kim have the Claymates? Do they have "Flat Clay" or the Clambulance? Did they single-handedly save a TV show the way you and your followers saved Jericho? I think not! Now you just leave everything to Mama and have a Jesus Day!

To: Claymateprivatelistserve@aol.com
From: TheQueenMother@aol.com
Subject: We Need Your Help!

To Chexxxy, Corabeth, ScooterOKC, Shred, and all of Clay's Other Angels,

This is Mama Faye, writing to ask ya'll a big favor. As you know, Clayton is about to embark on a new tour with Ruben "Sweaty" Studdard and Kim "Pudge" Locke. I hope you appreciate that little joke, but let's just keep it between ourselves, 'kay? Anyway, this tour is going to be called "Reunited," though I'm sure ya'll agree with me that "An Evening with Clay Aiken..and Friends" is much more appropriate. Personally, I'm calling it the "Oreo Tour" for obvious reasons. (Let's just keep that little joke between ourselves too, 'kay?) Little Clayton has confided in me that he's quite afraid of being upstaged by the other two performers. I think we should see to it that that never happens. I know that quite a few of you gals like to knit (and you too, Scooter!) Well, I was thinking it might be quite amusing if ya'll pulled out your knitting whenever Kim or Ruben sing. Let them know you're a littled bored with their dumb old songs by staring at your knitting the whole time they are singing and clicking those knitting needles as loud as you can. I am NOT encouraging you to boo their performances. I would never do that. That decision rests solely with you. If you feel they deserve to be booed, well, I cannot stop you from expressing your opinion. Let's show Clayton a lot of love on this tour (nothing says love like a glowstick!), so make sure that "Sweaty" and "Pudge," (now, remember, keep that little joke between us, 'kay?) know you're all REALLY there to see Clayton!

Have a Jesus Day,

Your "Mama" Faye



To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: One potential problem

Clay -- Kim and I are also a little worried about your fans. According to what we've heard, they were quite rude to Kelly C. during your dual tour -- either turning their backs when she sang or trying to talk right over her singing. Can we have your assurance this won't happen on the Reunited Tour? Someone said you had devised a hand signal that quiets them when they get too excited...?

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From : Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Sorry, the hand signal only works when I use it.

You'll just have to accept that where I go, the Claymates go. They're part of the package.

It's a pretty simple deal: if you do right by me, they won't kick your butt.

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Is that some kind of threat?

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

It's not a threat, it's a fact. You have to understand, the fans get a little concerned when they think some people are taking a step backwards in their career to tour with certain other people....

To: Skippermageee@manhunt.com
From RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Wait a second, Kim and I never said we felt like we were taking a step backward to include you in this tour!

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re : One potential problem

I was talking about ME taking a step backward to tour with YOU!!! Haven't you been reading the cellcert reports of my summer tour series? According to the cellcerts, every venue was sold out, plus we attracted a lot of men and teenagers.

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

No, we didn't read any cellcert reports. We don't even know what a "cellcert" is. We read about your summer tour series in the trade papers, and they all said you barely had 40% attendance in your home town.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Oh don't you know all those trade papers are written by hatahs and Kelly Clarkson fans! You can only get the truth from my cellcerts. And if you don't know what a cellcert is, you should! After all, I copyrighted and trademarked the term!



To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Our tour

How do you like this name for the tour: REUNITED, STARRING RUBEN STUDDARD AND KIM LOCKE.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Our tour

I love it! Just the two of us. No drama, no divas, no Claymates and NO CLAY!

Friday, September 7, 2007

The Mats vs. The Medicine Chest

It would be hard to find two groups of people more different than the Claymates and the Fraud Squad.

Members of the Fraud Squad have been described as articulate, intelligent, thoughtful, individualistic, opinionated, discerning, humorous, perceptive, brilliant, intellectual, enlightened, hardworking, deep-thinking, and good in bed. (Actually, I just threw that last one in to see if anyone was still paying attention.)

The Claymates are generally described as crazy...and...and...well, that’s about it.

But to get a true sense of how the two groups differ, we should probably compare their reactions to the same situation. Which group comes off looking more intelligent, humorous, and thoughtful? Which group comes off looking like a collection of crazed cult members?

You decide.

1. Perez Hilton appears on Jimmy Kimmel’s Show and makes a disparaging remark about Clay Aiken.

Mat reaction : He’s a pig! He’s a pig and he must be slaughtered like a pig!

Fraud Squad reaction : My, that Perez Hilton is quite perspicacious!

2. Jimmy Kimmel continues the interview.

Mat reaction : I can’t believe Jimmy didn’t throw that pig off the set! You know Jimmy and Clay are bestest friends. Clay is Jimmy’s go-to guest whenever someone cancels at the last minute.

Fraud Squad reaction : Just like Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly used to be Johnny Carson’s go-to guests and Richard Simmons is David Letterman’s current go-to guest. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3. Someone at the CB decides the Claynation must take a stand!

Mat reaction : Let’s buy a new chair for Jimmy Kimmel’s set; we don’t want Clay sitting on the same seat that pig sullied.

Fraud Squad reaction : Oh please! Clay didn’t even sit down on one of those chairs the last time he appeared on Kimmel’s show. He was mounted on top of an animal with an erection.

4. Oh, was JP there?

Mat reaction : La-la-la-la-la! I can’t hear you!

Fraud Squad reaction : Actually, we don’t talk about him anymore either.

5. The Mats plan a fundraiser to buy a chair.

Mat reaction : Let’s use the motto “Give Till it Hurts!”

Fraud Squad reaction : Ironic. That’s also Clay’s pick-up line on Manhunt.com.

6. The Mats plot how they’ll earn the money for the chair.

Mat reaction : I’ll have my eight-year-old daughter cut back on her insulin shots to save money. Clay’s been so good to us -- he deserve that new chair!

Fraud Squad reaction : Does someone have the number for the child abuse hotline?

7. The Claynation decides to have “Clay’s Special Seat” monogrammed.

Mat reactions : “How about we monogram it: HOME FOR HIS HEAVENLY HEINIE?”

“I know! we can make it rhyme: “Clayby, if you want to rest your cheeks, here’s the place / And, no, we’re not talking about the cheeks on your face.”


“How about we draw a picture of Perez Hilton and put a line across it, and underneath we’ll write NO PIGS ALLOWED?”

Fraud Squad reaction : Another helpful phone number is 1-800-INSANE ASYLUM.

8. The Mats debate what kind of chair they should buy.

Mat reaction : Well, there needs to be plenty of “Waldo room” in front, plus an area where Clayby can stretch out his long, lean, muscular legs in front of him. And in order for Clay to “banter” with both his bestest friend Jimmy and any guest sitting on his right, the chair should turn from side to side.

Fraud Squad reaction : Make sure the chair can at least make quarter turns. That’s very important to Clay.

9. Jimmy Kimmel announces that Clay will be appearing on his show next Thursday.

Mat reaction : Dancing bananas, dancing bananas, thud-thud-thud.

Fraud Squad reaction : Oh no, Gary Coleman must have cancelled his appearance.

10. The upper echelon of the Claynation has a private meeting to decide how to present the chair at the Kimmel show.

Mat reaction : So, Corabeth and Scooter are going to decorate the chair with a hundred mylar balloons, then Chexxxy’s going to do the presentation, then Oklahoman’s going to sing the national anthem and lead us all in the pledge of allegiance (“I pledge allegiance to us hags of the United States of American and to the republic for which we stand, one Claynation, etc., etc.”) and then Clay will slowly lower himself into the waiting seat while we all scream and scream and scream.

Fraud Squad reaction : OMG.

11. On the big night, Jimmy pulls a fast one, having Perez Hilton run out and jump into the new chair before Clay sits down in it.

Fraud Squad reaction : Actually, it was pretty funny how Perez grabbed the seat first and then Clay sat in his lap for the rest of the interview.

Mat reaction : That wasn’t Clay. It was an imposter! I bet it was Thom York in disguise. Or someone wearing a Clay mask. Or, or maybe they just photoshopped Clay onto the screen like they did all that stuff in Forrest Gump. It was trick photography -- no doubt!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Choking Down Some Chicken Soup

Tales of Faith, Hope, and Inspiration by Contestants Who Have Appeared on the Country’s Favorite Television Program -- American Idol

Singing While They Sneered
by Kelly Clarkson

A year after I won the first American Idol competition, I was invited to tour the country with a contestant who had appeared on the second season of the show. Although he was not that season’s winner, he had developed a large fan base and my management team felt a dual tour would be beneficial to both of our careers.

I must admit, the two of us did not hit it off. I’m a friendly person, interested in meeting people and getting to visit various places in this great country. My traveling companion was more interested in gossip than conversation and preferred watching repeats of The Golden Girls and The Facts of Life on his portable television to looking at the majestic mountains and wide-open prairies outside our bus windows. He also had a hygiene problem and would place his bare, dirty feet on the armrest of my seat. Worst of all: he had obnoxious fans who would ostentatiously put on earphones and turn their backs when I sang during my half of the concert. I thought my touring partner would put an end to this by telling his fans to behave, but instead he encouraged it! Sometimes as I sang, I would see him in the wings wearing his own set of earphones and laughing at me. Other times he’d go down into the audience as I sang and lead his fans in shouting HIS name, thereby drowning out my songs. One night he actually suggested that I cut several numbers from my set because “most of the people in the audience are hear to see me, not you.”

That night I went on stage with tears in my eyes, barely able to choke out the lyrics to my songs. As I looked at all those backs facing me, I vowed that I would someday produce an album so popular that no one would ever turn their back on me again.

Within a year I had recorded that album. It sold over twelve million copies and won me a Grammy. Whenever I am down or depressed, I think about that tour and the vow I made on stage that night. I know that if I could perform before such a hostile audience, I can do anything!

* * *

My Number 2 Hit
by Carrie Underwood

I was the American Idol winner! Wow! I couldn’t have been more excited!

Soon I had a hit single going up the record charts like a speeding bullet. Every morning I’d get up and check to see how my record fared on Amazon.com. One day it was 52...the next it was 27...then 13...then 4...then 2. But it stayed in the number 2 position for week after week.

At first I could not figure it out, then someone showed me a website run by fans of a former American Idol runner-up. Encouraged by this runner-up and his mother, these fans had started a campaign to buy an old single of his in multiple quantities in order to keep me off the top of the charts. “This will prove who the true American Idol is!” they said over and over on their website.

I was heartbroken! I was deprived of having my first single become a number one hit all because of their jealousy. That’s when I began praying about this problem. “Jesus, take the wheel,” I prayed, “I’ll let You guide my career in whatever direction You see fit. Number one or number two, I don’t care. ...And please give this other contestant the kind of career he deserves as well.”

It worked! Time has passed and I have had several number one hits, but my nemesis can’t get a song on the charts no matter how many copies his fans buy. His latest album was a series of cover songs and, rumor has it, he will soon lose his recording contract. I imagine it won’t belong until he’s reduced to parking cars in San Fernando Valley.

If I ever show up at an awards show and see this gentleman parking cars, I will not laugh at him or scorn him. I’ll just hand him the keys to my Mercedes and say, “Clesus, take the wheel. And don’t scratch the exterior, hon, or you won’t get a tip.”

* * *

He Said He Could Teach Me
by Fantasia (as told to Jack Canfield)

Every week I would appear on American Idol as if I didn't have a care in the world. Most people were unaware that I had a big secret. I could not read.

One day as I was pretending to scribble my name on the studio sign-in sheet, the runner-up from the past season noticed my problem and told me he would teach me to read and write. He said he had been a teacher "for years and years." I thought I could trust him.

I did not know he was a prankster and the devil in disguise.

First he taught me to write my name. I was so proud! But when I signed it the way he showed me -- F A R T A S I A -- everyone began laughing.

Then he taught me to write a simple sentence. He said the sentence said “Ruben is cool.” But this is how he told me to spell it: RUBEN IS SWEATY.

Then he had me write the sentence “Clay came in second” but he spelled it this way: CLAY WAS THE TRUE WINNER.

When someone saw my practice sentences, they said that this former contestant was playing me for a fool. I immediately kicked him to the curb and found a new teacher. I am learning slowly, but soon I’ll be able to read and write.

The main thing this “teacher” taught me is that there are mean and jealous people in this world that I should avoid. And that sometimes someone will pretend to be your friend, but they really aren’t. When that happens, you spell the word “friend” like this: L O S E R!

* * *

I Had the Last Laugh
by “Keith”

My name is Keith. You may not remember me from American Idol. I didn’t win. I didn’t even make the top twelve. The only time you saw me was during try-outs, when I auditioned for Simon, Randy, and Paula singing “Like a Virgin,” complete with dance moves.

They showed that clip over and over on TV. It was a hit on Youtube. Everyone said I was a laughingstock.

I wondered if I’d ever live it down.

Then this past summer, a former American Idol runner-up went on tour and also performed “Like a Virgin.” He used my same dance moves. But he sounded even worse than I did. AND he did it in front of a symphony orchestra!

Soon HE was the laughingstock of Youtube and people forgot about me.

I am here to tell all of you who are facing bad times that no matter how awful you feel, no matter how badly you screw up...take heart! Eventually someone will come along and make an even bigger jackass out of himself and your problems will seem small in comparison.

* * *

I Had the Last Laugh
by William Hung

I am William Hung -- ha, ha!!! Maybe you laugh when I sing “La Vida Loca” on American Idol -- ha, ha!!! Maybe you laugh when I get record contract and put out album of cover songs -- ha, ha!!! But guess what? Big time Clay Aiken end up recording cover album too -- ha, ha!!! And he don’t get played on radio either! Now who’s got the last laugh -- ha, ha!!!

Now Clay wishes he was Hung.

But his nude webcam photos say otherwise -- ha, ha, ha!!!

* * *

I Once was Lost, But Now I’m Found
by Ruben Studdard

It was the biggest night of my life. I had just been crowned the winner of American Idol! But then the moment was ruined. Instead of a hug or a handshake, my main competitor made a rude remark that was heard by not just me, but all fifty million people watching the finale: "I'll beat you on the charts, Ruben."

The next months were very busy, as I recorded the songs formy first CD. “How does it feel to be the American Idol winner?” I was asked in interview after interview. Frankly, I wasn’t feeling like much of a winner. My main competitor had developed a very large fan base (some might say cult) and these women were harrassing me and my family on a daily basis. Racist comments about me appeared on various websites, and my former friend never asked his fans to stop. Sometimes the phone would wake me in the middle of the night and I’d hear his voice: “I’ll beat you on the charts, Ruben!” Was it a fan playing a tape of his finale-night remarks or was it actually him calling and taunting me? Was it live or was it Memorex? I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

What I do know is that when our recordings were released, his fans went on a buying spree, often purchasing eight or more copies each. They went into stores and moved his CD to a prominent space and hid mine behind the Lawrence Welk records. Then they started campaigns to give his CD to overseas troops, elderly people in nursing homes, and inmates in prisons across the country. The final straw was when they sent copies to every school for the deaf in the United States. You gotta wonder about that. Yes, he did beat me on the charts and soon, wherever I went, his fans would show up mocking me and making the “Loser” hand signal (using their extended index finger and thumb to create the letter L.) He had trained them well.

I really did begin to feel like a loser at that point.

Then one night I was looking at some record reviews my mom had clipped from various newspapers and magazines. And I realized that my CD had gotten great reviews, while my former friend’s CD was not well-received. Soon I was nominated for a Grammy, but my competitor’s name was not on the nominations list.

I realized that I really was a winner in many ways. In fact, I began to feel so good about myself that I actually lost 100 pounds! The last time I saw my former friend, it looked like he was well on his way to finding them. I also couldn’t help but note that his second “covers” album was a critical and popular flop, and that his concerts were being supported by the same 500 women who followed him from city to city.

If that’s what he calls “winning,” then I’m glad to call myself a loser.

* * *

My Words of Advice
by Clay Aiken

Anybody in this business has a responsibility. I know this is going to sound cheesy but, when you get in a position where people are watching you on TV or listening to you on the radio, you have a responsibility not just to entertain them but to society, too. The most important responsibility a celebrity has is to set an example and be a role model. I want to make sure that no matter how long I go through this, I don't fall into the trap of changing and modifying how I do things that aren't a positive example. I want to remain somebody that the entire family can listen to or watch. I have no problem saying I want to be a role model. And if anyone questions my wholesome behavior, my integrity, or my genuineness, then they should kindly shut the fuck up.

Think Globally, Advertise Locally

So it has come to this. Clay Aiken is now doing advertisements for local merchants.

Here's the ad he did for his dentist: http://www.smilecary.com/why-choose-us/in-the-news/clay-aiken.php

Undoubtedly, Clay's American Idol dream included the goal of being an advertising "spokesmodel" for all kinds of famous products:

"When my hands get chapped from greeting so many people at my busline, I reach for Vaseline Intensive Care. And it has SO MANY uses!" (Big wink at camera.)


"Why do I stay at Quality Inn? Because they make me feel like I'm tops!" (Gives big ol' Freudian thumbs up signal.)


"Sometimes I feel like a Manwich, if ya know what I mean!" (Gives camera a faux-innocent smile.)

But it was not to be. Clay's lack of radio play, his weird fans, and his creepy persona have prevented him from getting any contracts with national advertisers. Still, it comes as a surprise to see him doing ads for this local dentist in Raleigh. How could any dentist afford to pay a superstah salary? We think Henrietta Hater came up with the best theory:

***The phone will be ringing off the hook with new patients, and most of them won't even be local residents. "Hello, dental office? I want to make an appointment. I live in Pocatello, Idaho but I want to get my teeth done there in Raleigh because you were highly recommended by a member of my extended family, Clay Aiken...Yeah, he's a member of my family...sort of. See, I've been to 92 of his concerts, and he took my cell phone once in Philadelphia and said hello to my Aunt Irma. And he always tells us we're all part of his family. What? Oh no, it won't cost me a dime to travel there! I have 35,807,963 frequent flyer miles to redeem."***

Yes, Clay can always be counted on to bring in the mats. (At this very moment a mat in Kansas City is trying to loosen one of her front teeth with a pair of pliers. Another mat in Tampa, Florida is systematically scraping the enamel off her teeth with a fork. Another is poking a paperclip up into her gums. By tomorrow morning, they will all have appointments with Clay's own dentist!) Just think: if this dentist offers Clayton a $1 kickback for every new patient that shows up -- from Pocatello to Pittsburgh -- Clay will soon be rolling in dough.

In fact, doing local advertisements may prove so lucrative that we'll see Clay advertising all kinds of products and services:

When stardom went to Clay Aiken's head and his hat size increased four sizes, we were right there to adjust his old hats and show him the latest in big hats for big heads!

Come to Clay Aiken's favorite Mexican restaurant for the best dry, paste-y, refried mess you ever sank your teeth into!

When Clay Aiken needs a full-body wax, he drops into Amy's Salon for our special American Idol deal. $10 per appendage!

Ever put your hand over someone's mouth and then regretted it? Or needed to apologize for putting your stinkin' size 13 foot where it didn't belong? For those times in life when you need to send an "I'm Sorry Bouquet," contact Mr. Leslie, Clay's Favorite Florist!

Clay Aiken says, "Tan so dark that the only thing we'll be able to see are your teeth!"

"I've been kicked out of some of the best funeral homes in Raleigh," says singer Clay Aiken, "but none lovelier or more attentive to your needs in times of sorrow than Dewey and Sons."

Been picked up the local sheriff? The state police? The FBI on an airplane even though you did nothing wrong and the other woman involved is just a big old bitch? If so, contact Clay's favorite bail bondsman: Buster!

Where Clay Aiken goes for all his musical needs! Special Deal: Buy one Clay Aiken album for $160 and we'll give you seven FREE copies with it!

"My feet don't always smell like 'fresh laundry,'" says local superstar Clayton Aiken. "I go to Dr. Madison for soaking my feet in lye, scraping layers of dirt and dead skin and strange yet-to-be-identified-by-science fungi off my toes, and defumigating my size thirteens!" Stop on in for a free foot-shaped bookmark.

Clay Aiken says, "After a night of cornholing, you might want to visit Dr. Porter! And when I've gotten up to my elbows in some mess, Dr. Porter is always there to help me out!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

LEARNING TO SING : The Clay Aiken Story (Part 2)

To read the first part of the Lifetime movie script, please see blog for Tuesday, August 28, 2007.


A Lifetime Original Movie

Based on the memoir “Learning to Sing” by Clay Aiken and Alison Glock

Starring Dakota Fanning as Young Clay Grissom

kd lang as Clay Aiken, beginning at age 14

Dee Wallace Stone as Faye Parker

Christopher Walken as Ray Parker

Harry Dean Stanton as Vernon Grissom

Patti Labelle as Mrs. Watson

Directed by Alan Smithee

[Camera returns to CLAY in the dressing room of the Hollywood Bowl, looking at pictures in a scrapbook. There are several pictures of him with his new friends -- the former bullies -- as they play soccer, build a snowman, and go skinny-dipping in a local river. (Note: Please return latter picture to Mr. Aiken, as it comes from his private collection.) Voice-over by CLAY: “Yes, those were happy times. I finally had some friends, and at home I had a new baby brother. And it was around that time that I met another of those older women who were always among my biggest champions. Her name was Mrs. Watson.]

FLASHBACK: CLAY is singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” at the local talent show. Mrs. Watson, a fashionable and fiftyish African American woman sits in the audience, one hand clapped over her mouth in awe of the child prodigy singing on the stage. Clay’s VOICE-OVER: Two days later, Mrs. Watson tried to track me down. Unfortunately, there was only one “Grissom” listed in the phone book...and that number belonged to my drunken, virulently racist sperm donor, Vernon Grissom.

[Interior shot of the hovel where VERNON GRISSOM lives. He is sleeping on a dirty couch, surrounded by empty bottles of alcohol. On the wall is a dartboard with a picture of Faye Parker glued to the front. (Note: please return dartboard to Clay Aiken, as it comes from his own personal gameroom.) When the telephone rings, VERNON wakes up with a hangover, and searches for the phone, knocking over bottles and empty pizza boxes.]

VERNON : Yeah?

MRS. WATSON : Hello! I don’t know if this is the right number or not, but I’m trying to reach Clayton Grissom.

VERNON : He don’t live here.

MRS. WATSON : Are you his father?

VERNON (a hacking laugh that leaves him breathless) : They call me...his sperm donor.

MRS. WATSON : Well, can you tell me where I can reach your little sperm donee, sir?

VERNON : Hey, wait a minute. Are you BLACK?

MRS. WATSON : Why yes, I am!

VERNON : This conversation is over, negress.

CLAY’S VOICEOVER : Vernon Grissom hated blacks. He hated Jews. He hated gays. And he hated me -- even though I was neither black nor Jewish. Luckily, Mrs. Watson was persistent. She called the school where the talent show was held and learned that I lived with my mother and stepfather, Faye and Ray Parker. Ray was listed in the phone book.

[The phone rings at the Parker home and FAYE PARKER answers it.]

FAYE : Have a Jesus Day! How may I help you?

MRS. WATKINS : I’m looking for a Clayton Grissom.

FAYE : Just a moment please. Clayton, there’s a woman on the phone who wants to talk to you.

CLAY : Women are icky.

FAYE : Someday you’ll change your mind about that. (She appraises him.) Or maybe not. But take the phone while I go fix Brett dinner.

CLAY : Hello?

MRS. WATKINS : Clayton, I’m Mrs. Watkins from the Boys’ Choir of Raleigh and I’d like you to audition for us.

CLAY (immediately begins singing) : “Somewhere, over the rainbow....”

MRS. WATKINS : No, honey, not over the phone. You’ll need to come down and sing for us in person.

[CLAY walks tenatively into the auditorium where the Boys’ Choir of Raleigh is rehearsing. The group is predominantly African American.]

MRS. WATKINS : Clayton, welcome! Did you bring your sheet music with you?

[CLAY hands his sheet music to the accompaniest and begins to sing.]

CLAY : Red and yellow and pink and green. Purple and orange and blue. I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too.

MRS. WATKINS (blotting her face with a handkerchief) : That is just...beautiful...dear.

CHOIR BOY #1 : He sings like a little girl.

CHOIR BOY #2 : And he doesn’t have any soul!

CLAY (angrily) : Oh yeah? (Hands more sheet music to the accompaniest.) Hit it! (Begins to dance around the stage while singing:)

The ink is black, the page is white
Together we learn to read and write.
A child is black, a child is white
The whole world looks upon the sight, a beautiful sight!

And now a child can understand
That this is the law of all the land, all the land.

The world is black, the world is white
It turns by day and then by night,
A child is black, a child is white
Together they grow to see the light, to see the light.

And now at last we plainly see
We'll have a dance of Liberty, Liberty!

[Clay finishes by doing the splits and all the other choir boys gather around him, cheering, patting him on the back, and lifting him on their shoulders.]

MRS. WATKINS (triumphantly) : “That boy has some green-eyed soul in him and enough rocker to satisfy the most discriminating tastes!” Clayton Grissom, you are now the lead singer with the Boys’ Choir of Raleigh!

[This is followed by a montage of CLAY singing with the Choir. (Note : in all this snippets, Clay must be shown as singing lead vocals, as per the Lifetime contract with Mr. Aiken.) First he sings a few lines of “Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child,” while the other boys hum the background tune, then “Go Down, Moses,” followed by “God Bless the Child.” They finish with a spirited rendition of “Do-Re-Mi.” (Note: If Dakota Fanning cannot hit the final high note, please call in Quiana Parler for dubbing. Ms. Parler is known for singing the notes Mr. Aiken can’t reach in concert as well, and will probably do this for a minimal payment.) The choir’s rendition of “Do-Re-Mi” fades into just CLAY singing this song as he plays in his backyard with his family’s pet goat.]

CLAY: Listen Jimmy : “When you know the notes to sing, you can sing ‘most anything!” Aren’t I good? I can’t wait till our concert tomorrow. We’re even singing a special song about you goats in our “Sound of Music” medley. Want to hear it? “High on a hill was a lonely goatherd / Lay ee odl lay ee old lay hee hoo! / Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd / Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!”

[With each line of the song, JIMMY THE GOAT bounds higher in the air, almost as if he’s dancing to the song. He romps back and forth across the yard, jumping high. On the last line, he runs toward the fence and leaps right over it. Suddenly there’s the sound-fx of brakes slamming and a crash. CLAY runs to the fence and sees JIMMY THE GOAT has been hit by a car. He runs out the gate and cradles JIMMY’s head in his lap.]

CLAY : Jimmy, Jimmy! Don’t die!

JIMMY : Bahhhh. (He dies.)

CLAY (crying) : It’s all my fault!

[The shadow of a man suddenly blocks the sunlight. It is RAY PARKER, CLAY’s abusive (but not racist) stepfather.]

RAY : It WAS all your fault, Clayton! I saw the whole thing out the back window! You killed Jimmy!!! Jimmy was my wedding gift to your mother! We were using his milk to feed Brett. Jimmy tended the grass in the backyard so I wouldn’t have to mow it. He was a dear and cherished member of our family. Next year I was going to slaughter him and sell the meat to send your mama to interior decorating school. And now look what you done!

[We hear the sounds of RAY punching and beating CLAY as the scene fades out; the scene fades in on MRS. WATKINS ministering to CLAY’s wounds much like his first music teacher did in the earlier section of the movie.]

MRS. WATKINS : Clayton, we can’t have you out there singing with two black eyes and all these bruises on your face.

CLAY : Not even with make-up to cover them? (He takes out a make-up box and tries to cover the bruises. It doesn’t work.) What if I use really dark make-up?

[Clay applies make-up to his face until he looks like he is African American.] CLAY’s VOICE OVER : Today they might call my actions racist. But it was just the opposite for me. I wasn’t making fun of anyone, nor was I putting anyone down. I wanted to BECOME black, just like my friends in the boys’ choir. I wanted to show my racist father that we are all the same. Mrs. Watson agreed!

MRS. WATSON (sobbing) : Clay, you have done more to erase racism in the south than anyone I’ve ever known.

CLAY : Well, Mrs. Watson, we can’t forget such important figures as Dr. King, Malcolm X, and so many others. I’m just one small cog....in the wheel of that sweet chariot...that will someday be coming for to carry ALL of us... black and white... red and yellow and pink and green... home.

MRS. WATSON : You are my hero, Clayton Grissom.

(A montage shows CLAY leading the Boys’ Choir through several songs. CLOSE-UPS of Mrs. Watkins, Faye Parker, and Ray Parker all cheering. However, in the back of the auditorium, VERNON GRISSOM is watching and seething. The scene fades out on the boys singing and fades in on the boys in their dressing room after the show. VERNON drunkenly enters the room.]

VERNON : Where is he? Where is he? No son of mine will ever pretend to be black!

[Clay switches off the lights in the dressing room and yells to the boys:] Don’t smile and he’ll never find you. Now let’s run!

[The boys all run out the back door into the alley and VERNON lurches out after them.]

VERNON : Which one of you is my son?

CHOIR BOY #1 (stepping forward) : I am your son.

[VERNON lurches toward him.]

CHOIR BOY #2 : I am your son.

[VERNON turns toward him.]

CHOIR BOY #3 : I am your son.

[VERNON turns around as, one by one, a dozen more boys step forward claiming to be Clay. Finally, Vernon, in confusion, stumbles away.]

CLAY’S VOICE-OVER : Racism in the south didn’t end that day, but I’d like to feel that the action of me and my fellow choir members -- my new FRIENDS -- played a small role in changing race relations in Raleigh, North Carolina. The times, they were a-changing.

[We hear a voice-over of Clay singing, “Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-” and his voice cracks on the final note. He tries it again and the same thing happens.]

CLAY : The times weren’t the only thing changing. So was my voice.

[Young Clay, played by Dakota Fanning, picks up a mirror and looks at it. The reflection reveals Teenage Clay, played by kd lang. The scene fades to a commercial.....]

To be continued.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Face-off : The Senator from Idaho vs. the Runner-up from Raleigh

Ask a dozen mats what they like most about Clay and you'll get a dozen different answers.

For one it's the "cinnamon fur." For another it's the rivet on the front of his jeans. For yet another, it's the "second freckle from the eyebrow on the lower left quadrant of his forehead, as demonstrated in this rare piece of clack that was taken at the ninth concert I attended during the Jukebox Tour."

Yes, they all have somewhat different interests, but if there's one thing that unites all Claymates, it's their love of competition. It started with the Clay-Ruben final on AI and somehow spiraled into spamming thousands of inane polls, multi-buying his albums, and even going to the local Walmart to count the number of CDs in Clay's slot. It's very, very important to them that Faiken wins every contest, poll, or competition.

Clay reminds us of disgraced Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) not just because neither can keep their feet to themselves and both ended up getting in trouble with airport authorities for it, but also because the two have dealt with similar sex scandals. So let's compare and contrast the two scandals -- Larry Crag's "johngate" and Clay's...um... "Johngate."

Who will emerge the winner?

1. The rumors!
a) Craig : dogged by gay rumors for many years.
b) Clay : dogged by gay rumors for many years.

In this head-to-head comparison, Senator Craig is clearly the winner. His sexuality has been in question for a couple decades, whereas Clay has only had to deal with similar rumors since the first moment he opened his mouth on AI five years ago. So, for sheer longetivity, Crag wins.

2. The location!
a) Craig : trolled for sex in a public restroom.
b) Clay : trolled for sex on Manhunt.com.

Once again, Craig emerges as the winner. Clay met men from the comfort of his bedroom or hotel room, but Craig was right out there in the thick of things. He gets points for his iniative and willingness to get out there and pitch in.

3. Pick up line!
a) Crag : "Tap tap tap."
b) Clay : "I have a VERY recognizable face."

Craig's tapping seems almost mundane when compared to the promise of celebrity implied in Clay's words. This time Clay comes out on...er...top.

4. The pseudonym!
a) Craig : Anonymous.
b) Clay : Valleyprettyboy; Skipper Magee.

Clay's creativity in making up names makes him the winner in this round.

5. The evidence!
a) Craig : tape of police interrogation.
b) Clay : cloobie photos on webcam.

Clay wins because a picture is worth a thousand words.

6. The denials!
a) Craig : "I am not gay."
b) Clay : "That would not make any sense for me to do that. I've gotten to a point now where I feel like it's kind of invasive. You know what? Forget it. What I do, in my private life, is nobody's business anymore. Period."

Truthful or not, Craig's adamant statement has a forcefulness lacking in Clay's waffling. Craig wins this one hands down. Note : Clayton's "screw the lies" lyric at his summer concerts is not considered a complete denial, as it was only understood by Claymates with secret decoder rings.

7. The hypocrisy!
a) Craig : as a conservative Republican, he voted against every gay rights issue
b) Clay : presented himself as "neither gay nor a womanizer."

Craig wins again. His hypocrisy affected many citizens of the United States, while Clay's hypocrisy mainly affected the FTC complainants.

8. The publicity!
a) Craig : his scandal is covered in every newspaper and on every cable station.
b) Clay : scandal limited to National Enquirer.

Craig wins because his scandal got much more coverage, while Clay's media coverage merely reinforced his B-list status.

9. The career implications!
a) Craig : likely to resign from Senate.
b) Clay : continues touring the U.S. performing Sexyback and TV themes.

Based on a) and b) they both seem to be losers.

10. The public opinion!
a) Craig : constituents demand he resign.
b) Clay : Claymats insist scandal is merely "tabloid trash" and that he just hasn't found the right girl yet.

Clay wins this one, due to insane fan base.

...So, who's the big winner and who's the big loser? Is it the guy at the glory hole or the guy with the glory notes? The one who taps his foot or the guy who uses his fist? Who's the nerviest? Who's the perviest? Vote today!

This is one poll the Claymats will undoubtedly NOT spam.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Clay and Ruben : The Rematch?

Earlier today, Zyban said:

I was talking to a friend of mine (who "lurks" here, HI Friend!!!) and she told me that "Gallant" announced he will have a CD out in January and soon after Cloofus, who has been saying it will be a long wait for his next, has (all of a sudden) started talking about releasing a CD in January too? Coincidence? Jealousy? I would bet for the latter.

Dramamine added:

Hmmm .... very interesting, Zyban. You're right. In the early M&G's, Clay was telling the Claymates that it might take quite a while for his next CD to come out, then suddenly, the projected release date was "early 2008"? Could be that Sony/BMG may want to ramp up the competitive fires again for the benefit of both Ruben and Clay, huh?

This is interesting news! What else happens every January? American Idol returns for a new season. After the somewhat disappointing ratings this past year, what better way for AI to begin their new season with a bang than to revisit one the most successful AI events from yesteryear? With both Ruben and Clay coming out (you've never seen those last three words together before, have you?) with new CDs in January, maybe AI will invite them back for a rematch.

Imagine it:

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome to our new season of American Idol! We're going to start our series somewhat differently this year -- with a rematch between Season Two finalists Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard. Tonight, each will be performing three songs from their new CDs and you'll have an opportunity to vote for who you think is best. Will Ruben retain his title as American Idol? Will Clay finally make up for his previous second-place and no longer be known as "America's runner-up?" You'll decide, ladies and gentleman, but first let's say hello to our judges. Randy Jackson!

RANDY: Yo, what's up, Dawg!

RYAN: Paula Abduhl!

PAULA: Giggle.

RYAN: And Simon Cowell!

(Cowell gives a pained smile then sips from his Coke glass, making sure the product insignia is prominently facing the camera.)

RYAN: And now let's chat for a minute with our contestants, Clay and Ruben.

(Ruben's fans in the audience politely applaud. The Claymates scream and thud. Oklahoman holds up a corncob and makes a dirty gesture.)

RYAN: Has it really been five years? You two have really changed. I see a difference of about a hundred pounds.

RUBEN: Yes, I did lose a hundred pounds, Ryan.

RYAN: I know, but I was actually talking about the hundred that Clay gained. (The corncob flies out of the audience and hits Ryan on the side of his head.) Let's talk a bit about your new albums.

RUBEN: My CD is called "In a Blues Mood" and incorporates elements of pop, rock, soul, jazz and the blues. I wrote most of the songs and my producers include Quincy Jones and Don Was.

CLAY: Mine's called "Let's Get Under the Covers." (The mats in the audience have a collective screaming orgasm.) It's a collection of cover recordings. My mother selected all the songs and Jaymes Foster produced them.

RYAN: Very interesting. Is there anything you'd like to say to each other?

RUBEN: Good luck, Clay.

CLAY: I'm going to kick your butt on the charts, and if I don't, my Claymates will kick your butt in the parking lot.

RYAN: Okay, we flipped a coin to see who goes first. Ruben won. Whatcha gonna sing for us first, Rube?

RUBEN: I wrote this song myself. It's called "Come Back, I Need Ya."

(Ruben sings his song and receives great applause, except from the mats, who ostentiously put on earplugs and listen to Measure of a Man when Ruben sings.)

RYAN: Great job, Ruben. What do you think, panel?

RANDY: You left here an idol, dawg, but you returned a superstar!

PAULA: Giggle. Like Randy said, you left your idol's dog and returned a snooper's car. What? What?

SIMON: Simply brilliant, Ruben.

RYAN: And now Clay's first song.

CLAY: I'm going to sing one of my mother's favorites, Smoky Robinson's 'I Second That Meotion.'"

RYAN: Don't you mean E-motion?

CLAY: No, I'm singing in secret code for my Mates. (Oklahoman thuds and must be carried out on a stretcher.)

(Clay sings an uninspired version of the song which impresses no one, including the mats, but they pretend to like it.)

RYAN: What did you think of Clay's song, Randy?

RANDY: I've worked with Smoky, dawg, and you don't got it going on like Smoky.

PAULA: Giggle. I think...well, like Randy said: you can work a smoky dog but don't go on smoking. What? What? What did I say?

SIMON: Amazing. ...Amazingly BAD.

(As the show goes to commercial, Clay whores for votes by winking at the camera, holding up two fingers, rubbing his crotch and moaning, and pointing to individual mats in the audience. When the show returns from commercial, Ruben sings his latest single, "The Longest Night" which Randy calls "outstanding," which Paula calls "giggle, outstanding, what?" and Simon calls "A number one hit.")

RYAN: What are you going to sing, Clay?

CLAY: A tribute to one of my mother's favorite singers, Patti Page. (He begins to sing "How Much is That Doggie in the Window." The response is weak.)

RYAN: Let's see what our judges think. Mr. Jackson?

RANDY: I don't know, man, that was kind of weird. I don't know.

PAULA: What Randy said...I agree...what?

SIMON: I nev-ah thought someone could squeeze a glory note out of "How Much is That Doggie in the Window." Dreadful, Clay. Simply dreadful.

(Clay whores for votes, pretending to be the canine he just sang about by "sitting up" like a dog and panting, then shaking his behind like he's wagging his tail. The Claymates will later agree that IF Clay had a tail, it would be longer and thicker and more manly than any other singer's tail. Someone on the CB starts a movement to call his nonexistent tail a "waldon't, because he don't really have one...isn't that cute?...dancing bananas, dancing bananas!!!" but the thread only gets three responses and mysteriously "disappears" in the middle of the night.)

RYAN: Finally, Ruben will perform his last song.

(Ruben sings an original piece, "I Was Your Sin, You Were My Salvation" which Randy calls, "Your best song EVER, dawg!" and which Paula calls "Your song ever dawg best...what? Why are you laughing?" Simon calls it, "A classic.")

RYAN: And now Clay's final song.

CLAY: Last summer, I did a TV theme song medley during my SYMPHONY CONCERT tour. Later, my mother told me that she was disappointed I didn't include her favorite TV theme song...so I included it on this album...just for her.

(Clay begins skipping around the stage singing:)

Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes...THAT GIRL (points to his mother in the audience)
Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime...THAT GIRL (points to Oklahomon on her stretcher)
Sable, popcorn, white wine...THAT GIRL (points to Corabeth)
Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway...THAT GIRL (points to a whole row of Claymates, who scream simultaneously)

(By the time he's finished singing, Randy is laughing too hard to comment, Paula is too confused to comment, and Simon has walked off the show. As Ryan gives the call-in numbers, Ruben smiles and waves at the audience. Clay keeps pointing at all his "that girl" Claymates, thrusts out his waldo, wiggles his waldon't, and pretends to pray.)

That night the mats organize phone-in parties and OleMass starts a prayer chain so that Clay will win.

The next night, the winner is revealed to be....

Does it matter?

If Clay won, it would only be because the mats spammed the voting.

If he lost, the mats would just say the entire thing was a big crooked rip-off and send letters to the FCC.

Whatever the outcome, this much is probably clear: Ruben's CD will go platinum and win three Grammys. Clay's will win no awards, but will sell 500,000 copies.

So what if it only sold that many because one thousand Claymate each bought 500 a piece?

Highlights for Hatehs

Gallant thanks a fan for buying his album. Cloofus demands the fan buy seven more copies.

Gallant performs for the NAACP. Cloofus gets questioned by the FBI.

Gallant is kind to animals. Cloofus still has some 'splaining to do about that dead cat and dead goat.

Gallant is played on the radio. Cloofus makes sarcastic comments about payola.

Gallant sings "Superstar" and is nominated for a Grammy -- a sign of respect from the music industry. Cloofus sings the theme from "Laverne and Shirley" -- and wonders why he gets no respect from the music industry.

Gallant's mother respectfully sits on the sidelines and lets her son enjoy the limelight. Cloofus's mother appears on "Dancing Like the Stars."

Gallant is affectionately known as the Velvet Teddy Bear. Cloofus is not-so-affectionately known as Faiken.

Gallant's name is synonymous with "Quality in Music." Cloofus's name is synonymous with "Quality Inn."

Gallant won American Idol. Cloofus was, is, and will always be known as the runner-up.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Ebay Mystery Solved : It Wasn't a BOARDING Pass

LEARNING TO SING becomes inspirational Lifetime Network Movie


A Lifetime Original Movie

Based on the memoir “Learning to Sing” by Clay Aiken and Alison Glock

Starring Dakota Fanning as Young Clay Grissom

kd lang as Clay Aiken, beginning at age 20

Dee Wallace Stone as Faye Parker

Christopher Walken as Ray Parker

and Miss Michael Learned as Elizabeth Campbell

Directed by Alan Smithee

[Wide angle evening shot of the Hollywood Bowl. Searchlights scan the skies and thousands of people move, like tiny ants, toward the arena. The camera swoops in on a lighted sign that says “CLAY AIKEN -- AMERICAN IDOL RUNNER-UP -- ONE NIGHT ONLY.” A fabric banner is looped across this sign saying, “SOLD OUT!” Note: the banner should cover the words “runner-up,” as per Mr. Aiken’s contract with the Lifetime Network.]

MALE VOICEOVER: Five minutes, Mr. Aiken.

CLAY: Thanks, Dave.

[We are in the dressing room of superstar Clay Aiken. He is sitting in an easy chair looking through an old scrapbook. He smiles down at a picture of himself and Ruben Studdard at the American Idol finale. Note: the picture in question should in no way indicate that Clay actually lost this contest, as per Mr. Aiken’s contract with the Lifetime Network. Clay turns the page and smiles with embarrassment at a picture of himself with a curly permanent, on stage with a country group. He turns the page again and sees an old, sepia picture of himself as a seven-year-old child. He has a black eye and a bloody nose. The photograph begins to waver and dissolve, fading into a flashback scene:}

BULLY #1: No, you can’t play with us. You’re skinny like a scarecrow!

BULLIES #2 and #3: Scarecrow, scarecrow!

BULLY #1: And you got big ears.

CLAY: But Mama says the bigger your ears are, the better you can hear the angels sing.

BULLY #1: And your mama ain’t got no husband!

BULLIES #2 and #3: No husband, no husband.

BULLY #1: And you don’t got no daddy either!

CLAY: Do too! I got a sperm donor daddy in Nashville, plus Daddy Jesus and Grandpa God in Heaven above!

[Clay begins to flail against the bullies, who immediately blacken his eye, bloody his nose, throw him on the ground, jump up and down on his chest, smash his legs with a baseball bat, and then mess up his red hair by giving him a dutch rub. An older woman, wearing an apron comes running out of a nearby house.]


[The bullies all run away. Elizabeth helps Clay get up and dusts off his clothing.]

ELIZABETH: Clayton Grissom! What is going on here?

CLAY (crying): They said...I had...big ears...and looked like a scarecrow...and don’t have a daddy..... Mrs. Campbell, why are boys such mean bullies?

ELIZABETH: Well, in all my years as a music teacher over at the high school, I learned that, with a lot understanding and kindness, a bully can sometimes turn into a friend.

(Interior shot, as Elizabeth cleans Clay’s wounds with iodine.)

ELIZABETH: There -- good as new! Why, aren’t you a handsome little charmer. Someday all the girls will be chasing you.

CLAY: Girls are icky.

ELIZABETH: You may change your mind about that someday! (She appraises him.) Or maybe not. Now come into the kitchen and let’s make some cookies.

CLAY: Can I wear your apron? And use your electric mixer? And roll out the dough?

[Elizabeth freezes, then turns around slowly.]

ELIZABETH: Say that again.

CLAY: Can I wear your apron?

ELIZABETH: No, the last word.

CLAY: Dough.


CLAY: Dough.

[Elizabeth goes to the piano and plays the scales and Clay sings along: “Do re mi fa so la ti do.”]

ELIZABETH (blotting her eyes with the hem of her apron): Son, you have an extraordinary gift!

VOICEOVER FROM CLAY: That was how it all began. In the living room of an elderly music teacher in Raleigh, North Carolina. I’ll never forget the hours we spent together that autumn, as Mrs. Campbell helped me perfect my talent.

[There follows a montage of scenes, in which young Clay performs a variety of songs while Elizabeth accompanies him on the piano. First he is shown singing the scales, then tentatively trilling, “We were sailing along on Moonlight Bay. You could hear the voices ringing, they seemed to say....”

In the next shot he seems more confident, strutting around the piano with his thumbs tucked in his pants' pockets as he sings, “When that midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam!” (ELIZABETH: Alabam, Alabam!) CLAY: I’ll be right there! (ELIZABETH: Where’ll you be, where’ll you be?) CLAY: I’ve got my fare!

The mood changes and now we see a much more serious Clay standing on a stool singing, “...the truth is, I never left you! All through my wild days, my mad existence. I kept my promise; don’t keep your distance....” The montage ends and we see CLAY and ELIZABETH sitting beside each other on the piano bench.]

ELIZABETH: Clayton, I think you are ready to ‘wow’ even your biggest bullies at the school talent show.

CLAY: You think so?

ELIZABETH: I know you can do it! And I am going to buy a ticket to see it!

CLAY (eagerly): Can you buy eight tickets?

[An exterior shot shows CLAY, dressed as Uncle Sam, running down the street on his way to the talent show. He stops in front of Elizabeth’s house, where an ambulance is taking out a body on a stretcher. He stops to listen to two neighbor women.]

NEIGHBOR #1: It was her heart, poor thing.

NEIGHBOR #2: The only thing keeping her alive these last few months were the music lessons she was giving that Grissom boy. She said he was the most talented youngster she’d ever encounter.

[Close-up of Clay’s tear-stained face. Then we hear the voice of ELIZABETH: “Son, you have an extraordinary gift” ... “I know you can do it!” Clay smiles and runs toward the school with renewed confidence. The focus now shifts to the stage of the school auditorium where Clay is in the middle of his “Uncle Sam” number.]

CLAY: --got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, she’s my Yankee Doodle joy! Yankee Doodle went to London just to ride the ponies! I am that Yankee Doodle, I am that Yankee Doodle, I am that Yankee Doodle Boy!”

[He dances off stage and the crowd erupts with applause -- especially the three young bullies who are now sitting in the front row, cheering and occasionally wiping away tears.]

[Medium shot of Clay outside his dressing room holding the large trophy he won in the contest and a bouquet of roses. The three bullies approach him.]

BULLY #1: We’re sorry we picked on you before. Can we be friends with you now?

[Clay looks at them and begins to shake his head no, then hears the words of ELIZABETH in a voiceover: “With a lot understanding and kindness, a bully can sometimes turn into a friend.” He then nods.]

BULLY #2: Can you teach us to sing like you?

CLAY: It’s not that hard. You just have to use your voice for good things instead of using your fists for bad things!

BULLY #3: And will you teach us to dance?

CLAY: It’s easy...just shuffle like this...good, good. Now quarter turn, quarter turn. Now you’ve got it!

[The camera pulls back on Clay and the three bullies dancing, as CLAY speaks in voice-over: I had learned my first lessons. Using my voice had opened new doors for me. Old women would do anything for me. And sometimes bullies do become friends....)

To be continued.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Flat Clay : An I-Can-Read Book

My grandma is a Claymate.
She watches “clack” all day.
If I bug her while she’s watching it
She pushes me away.

One day as I played paper dolls
Gram said, “Holy shit!
If I make a doll that looks like Clay
Then I can play with it!”

So she got a big old poster board
And sketched and cut all day.
And when it was completed
She named the doll “Flat Clay.”

She’d pick up her big paper doll
And make him dance and prance!
Then they’d travel to Clay’s concerts
In Grandma’s clambulance.

(Flat Clay couldn’t sit inside.
Why? No bendable butt.
So Gram chained him to the roof
Like Mitt Romney’s mutt.)

Flat C went with Grandma
To each of Clay’s productions.
When other mats begged for a doll of their own
Gram gave them the instructions.

Soon there were Flat Clays at every concert
What an amazing feat!
Finally the mats could say in truth
That Clay filled every seat.

And there are definite advantages
To owning a “Clay” that’s flat.
His lack of voice prevents demands
They buy eight of this and that.

…And forget about those scandals
Which had always been so damning.
Flat Clay has no Waldo.
Thus no chance of him webcamming.

When the concerts were all over
Gram put her doll away.
She keeps him in the closet.
(See, he is like Clay.)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Goodbye, Mr. Grissom

From the desk of Mrs. Margeret Bering, Principal

June 10, 2008

Dear Parents of Pretty Valley Grade School,

As the close of another school year approaches, we find ourselves looking back at the high and low points of this past term...and looking ahead to future semesters marked by sustained academic excellence.

And, since rumors abound, I would like to take this opportunity to explain why Mr. Clayton Grissom has not had his contract renewed for next year.

How well I remember his delightful first interview for the position. He “jokingly” told me that he hoped to have my job as principal in five years. Little did I know that he was not joking. Imagine my shock when he began giving his class assignments to write essays on “Why Mr. Grissom would make a better principal than Mrs. Bering” and have them send petitions to the school board asking me to step down! I hope I never learn which student cut the brake lines on my car.

However, please know that my decision not to renew Mr. Grissom's contract is not personal. In truth, we found Mr. Grissom to be a substandard teacher. Let me provide a few examples of his problematic teaching methods:

1) It was brought to my attention that Mr. Aiken’s did a poor job marking spelling tests. For example, on a recent spelling test, several of his students mispelled the word “hot” as “hawt” and Mr. Grissom marked this as correct!

2) At the beginning of the semester, Mr. Grissom assigned an art project in which students should use their imagination by placing their teacher in odd situations, such as dancing with three-legged gorilla or being abducted by turnips. This assignment was NEVER given a due date. It has now been over ten months and when students ask when they should turn this assignment in, Mr. Grissom ignores them!

3) Mr. Grissom frequently overslept, showing up for class an hour late, unwashed, unshaven, and wearing the same sweater and cargo shorts he’d worn the previous day.

4) Though we appreciated the fact that Mr. Grissom wrote this year’s Christmas pageant, we were disappointed that he gave himself the lead role and charged his costume, an expensive white suit, to the school’s petty cash fund. He also violated an important safety rule the evening he wore a sweatshirt under the suit, hurried through the pageant, and then rushed out of the school for a late night “appointment,” leaving several third graders to clean the auditorium with no adult supervision until well after midnight in the middle of a blizzard. Further, many parents, teachers, and even myself, found the inclusion of the “Sleigh Ride” number in this Christmas program to be the most disturbing thing we’d ever seen. It’s been six months since the pageant and some parents report that their children are still having nightmares about watching that musical number.

5) Mr. Grissom did not seem to relate well to his students, with classsroom discussions usually limited to conversations such as “Do you kids think I look fat in this?” or “Did anyone watch Jericho last night?” Unfortunately, Mr. Grissom seemed to relate much, much better to the mothers of his students, many of whom seemed smitten with the third grade teacher, calling themselves, variously, “The Teacher’s Pets,” “Grissom’s Girls” or “Supersexystudlymanlyteacher’s Bad Widdle Students.” This behavior culminated with one of our PTA mothers, who was in her early forties, five-foot-seven, and 265 pounds, blacking out her two front teeth, placing her hair in pigtails, and coming to school in a pair of Oshkosh ‘Bygosh overalls, claiming to be a new third grade transfer student.

6) These women also spammed the school's “Favorite Teacher Contest,” which Mr. Grissom won by receiving 189,431 votes as opposed to the second place finisher, Ms. Rumball, who received 19 votes.

7) Finally, at the beginning of the semester, Mr. Grissom told me that he knew many celebrities and even received a phone call each year on his birthday from former president Jimmy Carter. At that time, he promised to have Cher visit his classroom. Little did I know that Mr. Grissom himself was going to show up dressed as Cher, complete with boots, fish-net stockings, and a micro-mini skirt.

These are just a few of the reasons Mr. Grissom is not being asked to return to Pretty Valley Grade School next year. We wish him much success in whatever career he pursues. We’d also like him to know that we appreciate many of the ideas that he brought to our school, including adding a Hot Pocket and Krispy Kreme station in the cafeteria and introducing the “Stop Talking! Focus! Understand?” hand signal to the classrooms of Pretty Valley Grade School. In fact, we plan to engrave this saying over the front door, so when students return next fall they will see it every day as they approach the building:


Saturday, August 25, 2007

If American Idol Had Never Happened

From the Desk of Mrs. Margaret Bering, Principal

August 24, 2007

Dear Third Graders:

Welcome back for another year of learning and fun at Pretty Valley Grade School! I am delighted to introduce your new teacher, Mr. Clayton Grissom. Mr. Grissom is a graduate of the University of North Carolina.

When he came for his interview, I asked him what he thought he’d be doing in five years’ time and he jokingly said he hoped he would have MY job as principal in five years. Isn’t he a card? I really enjoyed his amusing “banter.”

Let me tell you a bit more about your new teacher. Mr. Grissom grew up right here in Raleigh. He sings in his church choir and enjoys performing karaoke on weekends. His hobbies include spending time with his mother, watching TV, and cruising through cyberspace on his computer. He likes traveling overseas because of the wonderful photography opportunities it provides. He lives in a townhouse with his roommate, Mr. Evan Toobly, whom some of your older brothers and sisters may know as the typing and shorthand teacher over at the high school.

I asked Mr. Grissom if he had any special messages for you third-graders and this is what he told me.

Mr. Grissom would like every student to come to school prepared with the right supplies. He suggests:

8 notebooks
8 pens
8 pencils
8 rulers
8 compasses and protractors
8 boxes of reinforecments

Mr. Grissom is an expert at American Sign Language. He will soon teach you a special hand signal to remind you when to quiet down and focus your attention on classroom activities. He calls it his “STFU” signal, which stands for “Stop Talking! Focus! Understand?” When Mr. Grissom gives you this signal, I hope you will kindly and courteously STFU!

Your new teacher describes himself as “strict, but fair.” Mr. Grissom told me, “I have certain unbendable rules. Students should come to school looking as though they take education seriously. Make sure to bathe and comb your hair everyday. Dress appropriately: no shorts, no sandals, no flip-flops. Keep your teeth white and shiny, especially if you are a minority. It’s also important to keep your body parts to yourself. Do not touch your classmates -- especially during cold and flu season. And keep your feet off other students’ desk. If you see anyone misbehaving, please tell me privately. This is not ‘tattling,’ it’s helping me to keep the classroom running smoothly. Students who report other students will be rewarded. Finally, for those of you taking the bus home, please line up and get on the bus in a speedy and orderly fashion. I have neither the time nor the interest in loitering around that bus at the end of the day. If students cannot follow these basic classroom rules, I will have to call your mother and sperm donor in for a parent-teacher conference.”

When I asked Mr. Grissom to describe some of his forthcoming lesson plans he offered this sneak preview:

VOCABULARY: Mr. Grissom will begin each morning with a new “word of the day” for students to learn.

MATHEMATICS: Do the following problems without using a calculator:

1) If Billy brings Teacher two Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Teacher says he expects Billy to buy a total of eight, how many more doughnuts will Billy have to buy?

2) If Susie attends a concert at a 5000 seat stadium and only 1200 seats are filled, how many empty seats are there?

3) If you and five friends each voted five times in a “favorite singer” poll for three days in a row, how many votes would your favorite singer receive? This assignment is due on September 2.

ART: Use your imagination and create a drawing of Teacher dancing with a three-legged gorilla or being abducted by turnips. The due date for this assignment remains undetermined.

SCIENCE: For our animal studies unit, I’d like you to make a list of all the body parts of a cat. Feel free to experiment on your pet cat at home. Make sure to include internal organs on your list.

MUSIC: Each week we will learn a new song in class. It’s important to memorize all the lyrics. If you forget the words, or have to write them down on your desk to remember them, you will be punished. Also, sing the lyrics as if you understand them and feel them. No showboating or “glory-noting” -- these are the hallmarks of an amateurish attention-grabber and not a true singer.

READING: Students are encouraged to check out books from the school library. Some of Mr. Grissom’s favorite children’s books include:

Where’s Waldo?
Flat Stanley
Honk the Moose
Daniel Boone: Man, Hunter, Adventurer
The Moves Make the Man

DRAMA: Mr. Grissom has agreed to write the script for our Christmas pageant this year!

Now that you know a bit more about Mr. Grissom, I’m sure you are looking forward to spending the coming months in his classroom. He has informed me that IF you are a very good class, you might even get a visit this semester from the famous singer “Cher.”

I’m sure you agree that Mr. Grissom certainly stands for “Quality In

Thursday, August 23, 2007

To Clay, with Love : The Tribute Album

Distraught at the prospect of waiting months, or even years, for the next Clay Aiken CD, the mats held a meeting and came up with an idea. “Clay always says we can do anything,” bellowed Oklahoman. “Why don’t we take the bull by the horns and produce this album ourselves! All we have to do is raise some cash, rent a studio, and hire an orchestra.”

So the mats sold their houses, cashed in their retirement funds, liquidated all their savings and rented a studio. Then Oklahoman called Clay and bellowed for him to come over to the studio right away “’cause us Claymates gots a biiiig surprise for you!”

Clay thought about it for thirty seconds. He didn’t think he could face all that estrogen...all those heaving bazooms...all those stretch pants...even if they were fan club members. So he told Mary to write a blog telling the mats he was busy and spent the rest of the evening on manhunt.com. Some “members” are better than others.

Faced with non-refundable studio and orchestra fees, Oklahoman did some quick thinking, then bellowed: “I know what we can do! We’ve got a studio. We’ve got an orchestra. We’ve got no place to go because we sold our homes and we’ve living under the viaduct. So why don’t we record an album ourselves? It can be a tribute album for Clay!”

So the mats selected some songs, called some of Clay’s friends to help out, and began their recording session.

To Clay, with Love : A Tribute Album

Track #1: “Oklahoman,” sung by Oklahoman to the tune of “Oklahoma!” by Rodgers and Hammerstein

Oklahoman, I’m a fan who bellows out her name!
I’d like Clay’s two feet on my plane seat
And I’m sure that you all feel the same!
Oklahoman, every night my fellow mats and I
Sit and watch some clack (wishing Clay was in my sack
And I was getting cornholed by that guy!)
You know we belong to Clay Aiken
If you don’t, then you’re sadly mistaken.
So when I sa-aa-ay (yow!)
I know that Clay’s not gay (ee-yow!)
I’m only saying
I’m getting cornholed by Aiken
Oklahoman’s okay!

Track #2: “Fayme,” sung by Faye Parker to the tune of Irene Cara’s “Fame.”

Baby look at me
And tell me what you see.
You ain’t seen all of Clay’s mama yet
Let me dance and I’ll make you forget!

Just let me on that stage
And I’ll do my hoochie-hooch
I’ll wear a dress that’s cut down to here
I’ll wear a skirt that’s slit up to my cooch.

I’m gonna dance forever
Grab attention from my son
You’ll be saying, “Clay who?”
By the time my dancing is done.


Track #3: “Glowstick,” sung by a chorus of mats to the tune of “Glow Worm” by the Mills Brothers.

Shine little glowstick, glimmer, glimmer
Hey, in this dim light, Clay looks slimmer.
Light up the audience, stop them from snoring
Then let’s leave before he starts encoring.
This night could use a bit of brightnin’
That TV Medley was downright frightnin’
We’ve gotta go, we gotta go
We’ve had enough of this show.

Track #4: “Clesus Loves Me,” sung by a “special friend of Clay’s” who prefers to remain nameless. To the tune of “Jesus Loves Me.”

Clesus loves me, this I know
Anonymous e-mails tell me so
I offered up my Quality End
Thinking he would be my friend.
Yes, Clesus loves me
Yes, he MUST love me.
Yes, Clesus loves me
My blog will tell you so.

Track #5: “Lock Three Times” sung by ScooterOKC to the tune of “Knock Three Times” by Tony Orlando and Dawn.

Hey, girl, what kind of posting is this?
Bashing our Clay when I moderate every word you write?
I can see the thoughts you're writin’
I can feel my blood pressure heighten
This is the Clayboard, we don’t allow allow discord.
We hate you.
Oh you hat-eh, I’ll lock three times if you criticize Clay’s singing!
Twice if you type that you think he’s a ‘mo.
Lock! Lock! Lock! means we’ve banned you here forever
Take my advice: it’s time for you to go!

Track #6: “Ben” sung by OCRegmom and dedicated to her son the music critic, to the music of Michael Jackson’s “Ben.”

Ben, the two of us need speak no more
You are not the son I'd once hoped for.
With a friend to call my own
I’ll never be alone.
And Clay’s that friend for me
He’s like a son, you see
Now he’s got a mom in me.

Ben, you’re always criticizing Clay
I don’t listen to a word you say.
You don’t see him as I do
I wish that he were you!
I love him, yes I do.
Now I’ve got a new son, Ben.

Track #7: “Clayton Loving” sung by Jaymes Foster Levi to the tune of “Summer Loving” from the musical Grease.

Clayton loving,
I went from city to city
That means a lot
‘Cause those concerts were shitty

Tell us more, tell us more
Did you touch Clayton’s vest?
Tell us more, tell us more,
Did he nurse at your breast?

Clayton loving,
I sat on the stage.
And so what
If he's half my age?
He protects me, keeps from harm
And he once let me
Shave his right arm!

Tell us more, tell us more
Is there a girl on that bus?
Tell us more, tell us more
If there is, why can’t she be us?

He’s not gay
...He just acts that way
When he’s meeting new men
...on Manhunt!

Bonus Holiday Track #1: “All You’ll See This Christmas” by Angela and Quiana, sung to the tune of “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.”

All you’ll see this Christmas is our white front teeth
Our white front teeth, our white front teeth
All you’ll see this Christmas is our white front teeth
When we sing black-up for Clay.

Bonus Holiday Track #2: “Gay Ride” by Miss Beverly, John Dahlstrom, and other members of the Christmas Tour, to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing
Ring ting tingle all day
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with Clay.

Dressed all in white and flick-flick-flicking his wrists
When this shows up on Youtube, you know he’s gonna be pissed.

Giddy-up giddy-up, giddy-up, let’s go. Let’s finish this show.
This dancing is the lamest thing we’ve done.
Giddy-up giddy-up giddy-up, it’s grand,
The way he uses his hands
If they still think this guy is straight...they’ll never understaaaand!

Clay enunciates each word as if the fans can’t hear
(Considering their ages, that’s a reasonable fear.)
He’s singing the songs he loves to sing and they won’t hear him yell
When he gets to the glory note of awful “All is Well.”
Well, well, well!

There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy
When the show is over and we can finally say goodbye.
But there’s one just one problem
That we know just isn’t right
We’ll be seeing this SAME AUDIENCE
Once again tomorrow night.


When the mats’ tribute CD was recorded and the “drop date” (how they loved that word!) was announced, Oklahoman called Clay and told him she expected him to buy eight copies of it, since she’d bought eight copies of all his records.

Two weeks later all eight copies still sat untouched in the CD section at the Raleigh Walmart.

...But at least they weren’t in the deep discount bin like all those copies of ATDW.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Will Clay try to take another seat....

...this time not at the Quality Inn, but in Congress?

Check out last night's blog.

"08/21/07 : Sen. Aiken
Should I run for senate?!? HA HA

from my local paper, The [Raleigh] News & Observer:

"Dems reaching for Dole rival

ADemocratic pollster says his firm decided to see how the state DemocraticParty chairman would fare in a race for U.S. Senate because the firm wasout of ideas.

Justin Guillory, who works for Public Policy Polling,said the firm ran Jerry Meek's name against U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Dole becausethere weren't any other people left.

"We tried all the candidates who have been mentioned," he said.

Still, Guillory said that people at the firm had heard Meek's name floated as a pos
sible candidate for higher office some day.

Onhis blog, Guillory says he hopes to try some real names soon: "Hopefullysome Democrat will step up to the plate soon and we can end this exercise.Otherwise, we may have to resort, as one person suggested, to testing Clay Aiken against Elizabeth Dole."

Current Mood:

Currently Listening to:

Oh great, just what we need: another liar and fraud in Congress. Aren't there enough? Besides, can you imagine how obnoxious Faiken would be as a candidate? You thought it was bad when he was begging for votes on AI. Can you imagine seeing him on Fox News and CNN every night, batting his eyes and soliciting the public to vote for him? Can you imagine how many bodyguards Elizabeth Dole would have to hire so the mats wouldn't try to "kick her butt"?

And imagine the interviews:

Reporter: Mr. Aiken, can you tell us how you feel about certain key issues facing the American public today?
Aiken: Certainly.

Reporter: What are we going to do about terrorism?
Aiken: Well, I think big-time terrorism, like what we witnessed on September 11, is just terrible. I still say that if you want to catch Osama bin Laden, just sic my Claymates on him. As far as domestic terrorism goes, I must say I have NO PROBLEM with individuals spying on each other or using the internet to look up home addresses and credit reports. Even cutting other people's brake lines and eavesdropping on their phone calls doesn't seem that big of a deal, as long as it's done for the right reasons.

Reporter: How do you feel about the the cost of long-term health care for the aged?
Aiken: Something must be done to help the elderly. They are among my biggest fans. I mean constituents.

Reporter: Would you like to tell us how you feel about gays in the military?
Aiken: That would not make any sense for me to do that. I mean I don’t — it doesn’t make any sense. I’ve gotten to a point now where I — I feel it’s kind of invasive, you know. I will not answer such a question ever again.

Reporter: What about the role of education in society?
Aiken: I was a teacher for so long...for so many years...so I know the importance of education. If I'm elected, you will be seeing a lot of "Teacher Clay." Every time I take the floor of the Senate, I'll ask someone to define the "word of the day." And if the Senate hearings ever get boring, I'm always up for having my "students" tape me to the wall of the Capitol Building.

Reporter: What about race relations in the twentieth century?
Aiken: Well, my black-up singers support me. See those white teeth over there? That's Angela. Or Quiana. Can't tell those two apart in the dark.

Reporter: How do you address the issue of voter fraud?
Aiken: I'm glad you asked. I brought along my campaign manager to discuss the issue. Mom?
Faye Parker: Yes, I have a message I want to get out to every voter in North Carolina. Voter fraud is a serious issue! If you have a neighbor who is elderly and unable to get to the polls, it would be wrong to dress up as an old man or woman and come vote in their place. If your neighbors are out of town, do not disguise yourself and vote in their place either. Do not request extra absentee voter ballots and submit them using a fake name in order to help Clay win. These things are all wrong. If you want to know how not to do these things, please contact me and I will tell you all about these methods, and others, which you should not use in the coming election.

Reporter: And where can our viewers go to learn more about you?
Aiken: Just look up "Skipper Magee" at Man... I mean go to "Aiken for Congress" and please, please, please vote for me. I can't be a runner-up yet another time!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Can you hear it?

The wailing? The sobbing? The gnashing of teeth?

It's the sound of a couple thousand Claymats lamenting the end of Clay Aiken's summer symphony series -- or, as some like to call it, the "Shlemiel, Shlimazel, Sexyback Annihilated Tour."

In between the heaving sighs and noisy sinus clearing, we hear an occasional mat say, "Clay deserves this well-earned rest. He works so hard!" To which the rest of us, working jobs that keep us busy forty hours a week (or, if you're a Claymate, working two jobs in order to pay for all that concert-hopping) should respond: WTF???

He works so hard? Has he worked more than twenty days in 2007? And even those days are severely truncated, performing for little more than two hours a night. (Okay, we'll add in the M&Gs and bus line and call it three hours a night.) Before a mat feels the need to write in and comment on how much preparation Aiken went through before this tour began, let's just quash that theory right now by saying that if he'd rehearsed even a few times, he would have learned the lyrics to these songs. What about all the media and interviews he did promoting this tour? Hmm...seems like the same interview (the "I embrace my inner dork/turkey baster" piece) was just republished over and over in different newspapers. Well, what about the all the prep time before he goes on stage? Please. He admits he doesn't do any vocal exercises. He doesn't even bother to shave or take a shower....

So what will Clay Aiken do now that his tour has ended? His usual leisure-time activities seem to be sleeping all day, eating Hot Pockets and Krispy Kremes, watching TV reruns, and crusing Manhunt.com.

Boredom definitely seems to be an issue. Remember, he couldn't bring himself to sing "A Thousand Days" anymore because it was putting him to sleep; he's so bored by his own concerts that he has to relieve his malaise by throwing shoes; he got his teeth bonded because "I was bored." One trustworthy and irrefutable source (me) even alleges that he saw a quote on the CB in which Faiken called his work on the president's commission "boring." (That quote is now either lost between all the dancing bananas or was edited out by a CB mod, as I can no longer find it.)

Because Faiken has a significant amount of free time on his hands (there's at least a couple months between now and his date to lip-sync "Solitaire" at the Neil Sedaka tribute) and since he seems to be SOOOOOO bored, here are ten useful activities he could do in the coming weeks:

1) Go do something charitable. For real. Plant a few trees (instead of just showing up to plant one tree as a photo op.) Go overseas on your own dime and help out underprivileged children. This time don't dress like You-Know-Who. Don't teach the kids to sing or ride a camel. Do something PRODUCTIVE. And don't stay at a hotel while you're doing it.

2) Trying writing a song. It took you seven months to write -- what? -- one or two words of Lover All Alone? This time try to write an entire song.

3) Didn't you promise to write a weekly blog for fan club members? Get to it!

4) Give Ruben a call. Apologize for the sweating jokes.

5) Step away from the Krispy Kremes.

6) Refrain from writing a script for your Christmas show. Please. We beg you.

7) Avoid any more surgeries or medical procedures that change your appearance. Boredom is not an excuse.

8) Fire Jaymes Foster. The last thing you need is another yes-woman in your life.

9) Contemplate your future. Think about how you got yourself in this mess. FREE THE MATS!

10) Stay the heck off of Manhunt.com!!!

Again, try to do something productive with your time.

"Idol" hands are the devil's workshop.

Sunday, August 19, 2007


Bitch, bitch, bitch...

No, we’re not counting Claymates. We’re discussing Clay Aiken’s attitude about the Relly Award Nominations, given out annually -- and in the spirit of fun! -- by the Regis and Kelly show.

Though Clay embarrassed himself royally on the program (whoring for attention, rudely making fun of Kelly’s singing ability, and disrespectfully putting his hand over her mouth while she was interviewing a guest) the mats felt he was entitled to win Rellys in several categories this year, including Best Guest Host and even Funniest Moment -- “a moment” that Kelly clearly did not find humorous.

Clay also shares that sense of entitlement. A previous winner, he seems to be expecting another great big old Spam sandwich from his mats, telling them at the Tampa meet-and-greet last Friday that he “really wants to win” -- even though the nominations had already been announced and he was clearly not on the list.

Perhaps he’s expecting the mats to start another Jericho-styled “nut” campaign to get him that Relly. There certainly are enough nuts among the mats to accomplish this. Listen to this nut:

“Our darling Clay is still such an innocent. He really thought the Relly was on the up-and-up and that his Claymates could vote him another statue. So sad that the world is such that Clay has to keep getting lessons on the rotting insides of some Hollywood people.”

Another Claynut chimes in:

“I do believe that there is God and HE will never let these b*d people win...”

Since the chances of Clay winning a real Relly are slim-to-none, we thought we’d instead present him with a few “Celly Awards.” Named after Clay’s much beloved Cellcerts, these awards celebrate the high points of his current concert tour which is ending tonight.

Here are the nominations:

THE “WE LIE EVEN MORE THAN CLAY DOES” AWARD, given to the biggest told by concert-going mats

a) “There are a lot of men here tonight!”
b) “Every seat is full!”
c) “I saw beside a man who was clearly dragged to the concert by his wife and had no interest in being there. By the end of the show he was on his feet cheering, with tears running down his cheeks.”
d) “Clay’s never sounded better!”
e) “Clay came to my side of the stage and sang to me for twenty seconds.”
f) "Best. Concert. Ever."


a) When Clay couldn’t climb back on the stage and had to lay there struggling for several seconds, as if he were waiting for Jerome to come out and flip him over like a partially-cooked burger.
b) The after-show visit to the hospital where Clay had to get a shot after eating a butter pecan cookie. (This event DID happen, but was downplayed on the Clayboards. I wonder why....)
c) The time Clay’s shirt rode up and exposed some...SKIN (thud...thud...dancing bananas...thud.)
d) The cancellation of the Cary bus line
e) Toegate

THE “YOU’RE INVITED ON THE BUS, ETHEL, AS LONG AS YOU SIT IN BACK” AWARD, for the most racist moment of the tour

a) Clay referring to Angela and Quiana as his “black-up” singers
b) Clay’s “George Jefferson dance” while singing “Movin’ on Up”
c) Clay throwing shoes at Angela during her solo
d) Clay’s comments about his back-up singers not being seen unless they smiled


a) Clay burping, then making it worse by discussing flatulence
b) Clay forgetting the words to most songs
c) Back-up singers having to hit the high notes when Clay couldn’t do it
d) TV theme medley
e) Flat Clay dancing in a hotel room window
f) Sexyback hitting the internet

THE “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL AWARD” for how many ways can he tell them he’s gay without actually fornicating live on stage with a man

a) Clay’s dramatic, clearly tongue-in-cheek “big announcement” that “I am...not cool.”
b) His performance of “Like a Virgin”
c) The way he caressed that microphone like it was something he met on manhunt.com
d) Everything but intermission

THE “SMACK ME UPSIDE THE HEAD IF I EVER CHANGE” AWARD, for the most dramatic physical transformation on this tour:

a) Shaved arms and legs
b) Increased girth
c) Bound cloobies
d) Spray tan
e) Bonded teeth


a) Throwing shoes at back-up singers
b) Unrelenting, never-ending and exhaustive complaining about the “fat” letter that was sent to his back-up singer
c) Forgetting the lyrics to even his signature songs
d) Making fun of Ruben for sweating
e) Getting whipped on stage


a) Back-ups having to hit the high notes
b) Having audience sing along for most of the songs
c) Increased ratio of bad “banter” to bad singing
d) The horrified expressions on the faces of symphony members when he went for the glory notes

The Celly Awards are still accepting more nominations. Feel free to add your own.

The Celly Awards...honoring the good, the b*d, and the fugly......