Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Can you hear it?

The wailing? The sobbing? The gnashing of teeth?

It's the sound of a couple thousand Claymats lamenting the end of Clay Aiken's summer symphony series -- or, as some like to call it, the "Shlemiel, Shlimazel, Sexyback Annihilated Tour."

In between the heaving sighs and noisy sinus clearing, we hear an occasional mat say, "Clay deserves this well-earned rest. He works so hard!" To which the rest of us, working jobs that keep us busy forty hours a week (or, if you're a Claymate, working two jobs in order to pay for all that concert-hopping) should respond: WTF???

He works so hard? Has he worked more than twenty days in 2007? And even those days are severely truncated, performing for little more than two hours a night. (Okay, we'll add in the M&Gs and bus line and call it three hours a night.) Before a mat feels the need to write in and comment on how much preparation Aiken went through before this tour began, let's just quash that theory right now by saying that if he'd rehearsed even a few times, he would have learned the lyrics to these songs. What about all the media and interviews he did promoting this tour? Hmm...seems like the same interview (the "I embrace my inner dork/turkey baster" piece) was just republished over and over in different newspapers. Well, what about the all the prep time before he goes on stage? Please. He admits he doesn't do any vocal exercises. He doesn't even bother to shave or take a shower....

So what will Clay Aiken do now that his tour has ended? His usual leisure-time activities seem to be sleeping all day, eating Hot Pockets and Krispy Kremes, watching TV reruns, and crusing Manhunt.com.

Boredom definitely seems to be an issue. Remember, he couldn't bring himself to sing "A Thousand Days" anymore because it was putting him to sleep; he's so bored by his own concerts that he has to relieve his malaise by throwing shoes; he got his teeth bonded because "I was bored." One trustworthy and irrefutable source (me) even alleges that he saw a quote on the CB in which Faiken called his work on the president's commission "boring." (That quote is now either lost between all the dancing bananas or was edited out by a CB mod, as I can no longer find it.)

Because Faiken has a significant amount of free time on his hands (there's at least a couple months between now and his date to lip-sync "Solitaire" at the Neil Sedaka tribute) and since he seems to be SOOOOOO bored, here are ten useful activities he could do in the coming weeks:

1) Go do something charitable. For real. Plant a few trees (instead of just showing up to plant one tree as a photo op.) Go overseas on your own dime and help out underprivileged children. This time don't dress like You-Know-Who. Don't teach the kids to sing or ride a camel. Do something PRODUCTIVE. And don't stay at a hotel while you're doing it.

2) Trying writing a song. It took you seven months to write -- what? -- one or two words of Lover All Alone? This time try to write an entire song.

3) Didn't you promise to write a weekly blog for fan club members? Get to it!

4) Give Ruben a call. Apologize for the sweating jokes.

5) Step away from the Krispy Kremes.

6) Refrain from writing a script for your Christmas show. Please. We beg you.

7) Avoid any more surgeries or medical procedures that change your appearance. Boredom is not an excuse.

8) Fire Jaymes Foster. The last thing you need is another yes-woman in your life.

9) Contemplate your future. Think about how you got yourself in this mess. FREE THE MATS!

10) Stay the heck off of Manhunt.com!!!

Again, try to do something productive with your time.

"Idol" hands are the devil's workshop.