Thursday, August 23, 2007

To Clay, with Love : The Tribute Album

Distraught at the prospect of waiting months, or even years, for the next Clay Aiken CD, the mats held a meeting and came up with an idea. “Clay always says we can do anything,” bellowed Oklahoman. “Why don’t we take the bull by the horns and produce this album ourselves! All we have to do is raise some cash, rent a studio, and hire an orchestra.”

So the mats sold their houses, cashed in their retirement funds, liquidated all their savings and rented a studio. Then Oklahoman called Clay and bellowed for him to come over to the studio right away “’cause us Claymates gots a biiiig surprise for you!”

Clay thought about it for thirty seconds. He didn’t think he could face all that estrogen...all those heaving bazooms...all those stretch pants...even if they were fan club members. So he told Mary to write a blog telling the mats he was busy and spent the rest of the evening on Some “members” are better than others.

Faced with non-refundable studio and orchestra fees, Oklahoman did some quick thinking, then bellowed: “I know what we can do! We’ve got a studio. We’ve got an orchestra. We’ve got no place to go because we sold our homes and we’ve living under the viaduct. So why don’t we record an album ourselves? It can be a tribute album for Clay!”

So the mats selected some songs, called some of Clay’s friends to help out, and began their recording session.

To Clay, with Love : A Tribute Album

Track #1: “Oklahoman,” sung by Oklahoman to the tune of “Oklahoma!” by Rodgers and Hammerstein

Oklahoman, I’m a fan who bellows out her name!
I’d like Clay’s two feet on my plane seat
And I’m sure that you all feel the same!
Oklahoman, every night my fellow mats and I
Sit and watch some clack (wishing Clay was in my sack
And I was getting cornholed by that guy!)
You know we belong to Clay Aiken
If you don’t, then you’re sadly mistaken.
So when I sa-aa-ay (yow!)
I know that Clay’s not gay (ee-yow!)
I’m only saying
I’m getting cornholed by Aiken
Oklahoman’s okay!

Track #2: “Fayme,” sung by Faye Parker to the tune of Irene Cara’s “Fame.”

Baby look at me
And tell me what you see.
You ain’t seen all of Clay’s mama yet
Let me dance and I’ll make you forget!

Just let me on that stage
And I’ll do my hoochie-hooch
I’ll wear a dress that’s cut down to here
I’ll wear a skirt that’s slit up to my cooch.

I’m gonna dance forever
Grab attention from my son
You’ll be saying, “Clay who?”
By the time my dancing is done.


Track #3: “Glowstick,” sung by a chorus of mats to the tune of “Glow Worm” by the Mills Brothers.

Shine little glowstick, glimmer, glimmer
Hey, in this dim light, Clay looks slimmer.
Light up the audience, stop them from snoring
Then let’s leave before he starts encoring.
This night could use a bit of brightnin’
That TV Medley was downright frightnin’
We’ve gotta go, we gotta go
We’ve had enough of this show.

Track #4: “Clesus Loves Me,” sung by a “special friend of Clay’s” who prefers to remain nameless. To the tune of “Jesus Loves Me.”

Clesus loves me, this I know
Anonymous e-mails tell me so
I offered up my Quality End
Thinking he would be my friend.
Yes, Clesus loves me
Yes, he MUST love me.
Yes, Clesus loves me
My blog will tell you so.

Track #5: “Lock Three Times” sung by ScooterOKC to the tune of “Knock Three Times” by Tony Orlando and Dawn.

Hey, girl, what kind of posting is this?
Bashing our Clay when I moderate every word you write?
I can see the thoughts you're writin’
I can feel my blood pressure heighten
This is the Clayboard, we don’t allow allow discord.
We hate you.
Oh you hat-eh, I’ll lock three times if you criticize Clay’s singing!
Twice if you type that you think he’s a ‘mo.
Lock! Lock! Lock! means we’ve banned you here forever
Take my advice: it’s time for you to go!

Track #6: “Ben” sung by OCRegmom and dedicated to her son the music critic, to the music of Michael Jackson’s “Ben.”

Ben, the two of us need speak no more
You are not the son I'd once hoped for.
With a friend to call my own
I’ll never be alone.
And Clay’s that friend for me
He’s like a son, you see
Now he’s got a mom in me.

Ben, you’re always criticizing Clay
I don’t listen to a word you say.
You don’t see him as I do
I wish that he were you!
I love him, yes I do.
Now I’ve got a new son, Ben.

Track #7: “Clayton Loving” sung by Jaymes Foster Levi to the tune of “Summer Loving” from the musical Grease.

Clayton loving,
I went from city to city
That means a lot
‘Cause those concerts were shitty

Tell us more, tell us more
Did you touch Clayton’s vest?
Tell us more, tell us more,
Did he nurse at your breast?

Clayton loving,
I sat on the stage.
And so what
If he's half my age?
He protects me, keeps from harm
And he once let me
Shave his right arm!

Tell us more, tell us more
Is there a girl on that bus?
Tell us more, tell us more
If there is, why can’t she be us?

He’s not gay
...He just acts that way
When he’s meeting new men
...on Manhunt!

Bonus Holiday Track #1: “All You’ll See This Christmas” by Angela and Quiana, sung to the tune of “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth.”

All you’ll see this Christmas is our white front teeth
Our white front teeth, our white front teeth
All you’ll see this Christmas is our white front teeth
When we sing black-up for Clay.

Bonus Holiday Track #2: “Gay Ride” by Miss Beverly, John Dahlstrom, and other members of the Christmas Tour, to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”

Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-ing
Ring ting tingle all day
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with Clay.

Dressed all in white and flick-flick-flicking his wrists
When this shows up on Youtube, you know he’s gonna be pissed.

Giddy-up giddy-up, giddy-up, let’s go. Let’s finish this show.
This dancing is the lamest thing we’ve done.
Giddy-up giddy-up giddy-up, it’s grand,
The way he uses his hands
If they still think this guy is straight...they’ll never understaaaand!

Clay enunciates each word as if the fans can’t hear
(Considering their ages, that’s a reasonable fear.)
He’s singing the songs he loves to sing and they won’t hear him yell
When he gets to the glory note of awful “All is Well.”
Well, well, well!

There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy
When the show is over and we can finally say goodbye.
But there’s one just one problem
That we know just isn’t right
We’ll be seeing this SAME AUDIENCE
Once again tomorrow night.


When the mats’ tribute CD was recorded and the “drop date” (how they loved that word!) was announced, Oklahoman called Clay and told him she expected him to buy eight copies of it, since she’d bought eight copies of all his records.

Two weeks later all eight copies still sat untouched in the CD section at the Raleigh Walmart.

...But at least they weren’t in the deep discount bin like all those copies of ATDW.