Friday, August 31, 2007

Face-off : The Senator from Idaho vs. the Runner-up from Raleigh

Ask a dozen mats what they like most about Clay and you'll get a dozen different answers.

For one it's the "cinnamon fur." For another it's the rivet on the front of his jeans. For yet another, it's the "second freckle from the eyebrow on the lower left quadrant of his forehead, as demonstrated in this rare piece of clack that was taken at the ninth concert I attended during the Jukebox Tour."

Yes, they all have somewhat different interests, but if there's one thing that unites all Claymates, it's their love of competition. It started with the Clay-Ruben final on AI and somehow spiraled into spamming thousands of inane polls, multi-buying his albums, and even going to the local Walmart to count the number of CDs in Clay's slot. It's very, very important to them that Faiken wins every contest, poll, or competition.

Clay reminds us of disgraced Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) not just because neither can keep their feet to themselves and both ended up getting in trouble with airport authorities for it, but also because the two have dealt with similar sex scandals. So let's compare and contrast the two scandals -- Larry Crag's "johngate" and Clay' "Johngate."

Who will emerge the winner?

1. The rumors!
a) Craig : dogged by gay rumors for many years.
b) Clay : dogged by gay rumors for many years.

In this head-to-head comparison, Senator Craig is clearly the winner. His sexuality has been in question for a couple decades, whereas Clay has only had to deal with similar rumors since the first moment he opened his mouth on AI five years ago. So, for sheer longetivity, Crag wins.

2. The location!
a) Craig : trolled for sex in a public restroom.
b) Clay : trolled for sex on

Once again, Craig emerges as the winner. Clay met men from the comfort of his bedroom or hotel room, but Craig was right out there in the thick of things. He gets points for his iniative and willingness to get out there and pitch in.

3. Pick up line!
a) Crag : "Tap tap tap."
b) Clay : "I have a VERY recognizable face."

Craig's tapping seems almost mundane when compared to the promise of celebrity implied in Clay's words. This time Clay comes out

4. The pseudonym!
a) Craig : Anonymous.
b) Clay : Valleyprettyboy; Skipper Magee.

Clay's creativity in making up names makes him the winner in this round.

5. The evidence!
a) Craig : tape of police interrogation.
b) Clay : cloobie photos on webcam.

Clay wins because a picture is worth a thousand words.

6. The denials!
a) Craig : "I am not gay."
b) Clay : "That would not make any sense for me to do that. I've gotten to a point now where I feel like it's kind of invasive. You know what? Forget it. What I do, in my private life, is nobody's business anymore. Period."

Truthful or not, Craig's adamant statement has a forcefulness lacking in Clay's waffling. Craig wins this one hands down. Note : Clayton's "screw the lies" lyric at his summer concerts is not considered a complete denial, as it was only understood by Claymates with secret decoder rings.

7. The hypocrisy!
a) Craig : as a conservative Republican, he voted against every gay rights issue
b) Clay : presented himself as "neither gay nor a womanizer."

Craig wins again. His hypocrisy affected many citizens of the United States, while Clay's hypocrisy mainly affected the FTC complainants.

8. The publicity!
a) Craig : his scandal is covered in every newspaper and on every cable station.
b) Clay : scandal limited to National Enquirer.

Craig wins because his scandal got much more coverage, while Clay's media coverage merely reinforced his B-list status.

9. The career implications!
a) Craig : likely to resign from Senate.
b) Clay : continues touring the U.S. performing Sexyback and TV themes.

Based on a) and b) they both seem to be losers.

10. The public opinion!
a) Craig : constituents demand he resign.
b) Clay : Claymats insist scandal is merely "tabloid trash" and that he just hasn't found the right girl yet.

Clay wins this one, due to insane fan base.

...So, who's the big winner and who's the big loser? Is it the guy at the glory hole or the guy with the glory notes? The one who taps his foot or the guy who uses his fist? Who's the nerviest? Who's the perviest? Vote today!

This is one poll the Claymats will undoubtedly NOT spam.