REUNITED : The Secret E-mails

News of the upcoming "Reunited Tour," starring Ruben Studdard, Kimberley Locke, and Clay Aiken may have come as a shock to many fans, but here at the Fraud Squad we've been secretly following this story for some time. In fact, one of our sources has been providing us with some of the e-mails that have been ricocheting back and forth between Ruben's computer in Alabama, Kim's computer in California, and Clay's computer in whatever city his latest Manhunt hook-up lives. We cannot print all of these private e-mails at this time, but can offer a selection of notes on a variety of topics.

NAMING THE TOUR

To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Will this tour have a name?

How about calling it the "AI2 Final Three Reunion"?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Will this tour have a name?

How about :"Reunited"?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Will This tour have a name?

What's wrong with "An Evening with Clay Aiken...and Friends"?

*****

COSTUMES

To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: What should we wear?

Think we should dress formal or informal? Now that I've lost weight and Clay has gained weight, I'm afraid he'll start borrowing my clothes.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: What should we wear?

I know how you feel. That was always a problem back when I lived with him too.

*****

REHEARSALS

To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: Rubens@hotmail.com
Subject: Rehearsal time

We need to book a rehearsal hall. How many days do you think we'll need? I usually like to rehearse for 3-4 weeks.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Rehearsal time

I usually rehearse between six and eight hours a day for two to three weeks.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagree@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Rehearsal time

I usually need about one afternoon for rehearsal...and most of that time is spent writing up the cue cards with my song lyrics on them.

*****

SINGING THE HITS

To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Song list

Before we decide what songs we'll each be singing, I guess we should make a list of our radio hits that the fans will be expecting us to sing. For me, that means singing Flying without Wings, Superstar, Sorry 2004, I Need an Angel, and Make Ya Feel Beautiful.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Song list

That means I'll be singing Eighth World Wonder, Wrong, I Could, Band of Gold, and Supawoman.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Song list.

I'll be singing Invisible.

*****

OTHER SONGS

To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Song list

I think we should probably each do another 6-8 solo numbers. I guess I'll feature original songs from my new album that's coming out in a couple months.

To RubenS@hotmail.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Song list

I have quite a few numbers I can choose from my next album too.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Song list

My new covers album, Clay Aiken Sings the Celine Dion Songbook, will be released by January, so I'll have plenty to choose from as well.

*****

VENUE DEMANDS

To: KLo@aol.com, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Any requirements?

Do you guys have any special requirements/needs at each venue? They want us to submit a list.

Speaking for myself, I like a fresh vegetable tray and some bottled water...if it's not too much trouble for the venue.

To: RubenS@hotmail, Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Any requirements?

I'd like to have several bottles of soda pop -- both diet and regular -- available for backstage guests. If the venue can't afford this, I will give someone $20 plus a tip to run out and get it. Thanks.

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: Any requirements?

REQUIRE: Hot breakfast to include scrambled eggs and omelet station (FOOD PREPARED PREVIOUS NIGHT IS UNACCEPTABLE; ALL FOOD MUST BE FRESHLY PREPARED!)

REQUIRE: Bacon, sausage, home fries, PLUS one entree selection (French toast, pancakes, waffles, crepes, egg muffins, etc.)

REQUIRE: Assorted breads included white, wheat, and raisin, muffins, donuts, pop-tarts, and bagels.

REQUIRE: Milk (whole, 2%), soy milk (including chocolate soy milk, and regular soy milk), assorted sodas, water and juices.

Actually, rather than include all my demands here, I'll just have Uncle Jess fax over the entire document, since it's 30 pages not including the confidentiality agreements that everyone on the tour will have to sign -- including you two.

******

FEARS

To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: The Unspoken Issue

Which one of us is going to talk to Clay about wearing Odor Eaters and keeping his feet off our bus seats?

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re; The Unspoken Issue

I'll gladly talk to him about that. MY biggest fear is that he's going to try to write a script for this show and insist I put on a wig and play the part of "Miss Beverly"!

To: TheQueenMother@aol.com
From: WWJD@aol.com
Subject: Help!

Mama, what am I going to do if Kim and Ruben try to upstage me? The show is going to be divided into four parts (three solo sections and then one section where we all sing together) which means I only get one quarter turn to shine on my own. They're going to be singing all their hits, plus brand new original songs, and all I've got to sing is dumb old "Invisible," plus Celine's "My Heart Will Go On," even though I can't sing that high anymore without Quiana to hit the top notes for me. What am I doing to do?

To: WWJD@aol.com
From: TheQueenMother@aol.com
Subject: Re: Help!

Clayton, you have nothing to worry about. Do Ruben and Kim have the Claymates? Do they have "Flat Clay" or the Clambulance? Did they single-handedly save a TV show the way you and your followers saved Jericho? I think not! Now you just leave everything to Mama and have a Jesus Day!

To: Claymateprivatelistserve@aol.com
From: TheQueenMother@aol.com
Subject: We Need Your Help!

To Chexxxy, Corabeth, ScooterOKC, Shred, and all of Clay's Other Angels,

This is Mama Faye, writing to ask ya'll a big favor. As you know, Clayton is about to embark on a new tour with Ruben "Sweaty" Studdard and Kim "Pudge" Locke. I hope you appreciate that little joke, but let's just keep it between ourselves, 'kay? Anyway, this tour is going to be called "Reunited," though I'm sure ya'll agree with me that "An Evening with Clay Aiken..and Friends" is much more appropriate. Personally, I'm calling it the "Oreo Tour" for obvious reasons. (Let's just keep that little joke between ourselves too, 'kay?) Little Clayton has confided in me that he's quite afraid of being upstaged by the other two performers. I think we should see to it that that never happens. I know that quite a few of you gals like to knit (and you too, Scooter!) Well, I was thinking it might be quite amusing if ya'll pulled out your knitting whenever Kim or Ruben sing. Let them know you're a littled bored with their dumb old songs by staring at your knitting the whole time they are singing and clicking those knitting needles as loud as you can. I am NOT encouraging you to boo their performances. I would never do that. That decision rests solely with you. If you feel they deserve to be booed, well, I cannot stop you from expressing your opinion. Let's show Clayton a lot of love on this tour (nothing says love like a glowstick!), so make sure that "Sweaty" and "Pudge," (now, remember, keep that little joke between us, 'kay?) know you're all REALLY there to see Clayton!

Have a Jesus Day,

Your "Mama" Faye

*****

THE "CLAYMATE ISSUE"

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: One potential problem

Clay -- Kim and I are also a little worried about your fans. According to what we've heard, they were quite rude to Kelly C. during your dual tour -- either turning their backs when she sang or trying to talk right over her singing. Can we have your assurance this won't happen on the Reunited Tour? Someone said you had devised a hand signal that quiets them when they get too excited...?

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From : Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Sorry, the hand signal only works when I use it.

You'll just have to accept that where I go, the Claymates go. They're part of the package.

It's a pretty simple deal: if you do right by me, they won't kick your butt.

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Is that some kind of threat?

To: RubenS@hotmail, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

It's not a threat, it's a fact. You have to understand, the fans get a little concerned when they think some people are taking a step backwards in their career to tour with certain other people....

To: Skippermageee@manhunt.com
From RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Wait a second, Kim and I never said we felt like we were taking a step backward to include you in this tour!

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re : One potential problem

I was talking about ME taking a step backward to tour with YOU!!! Haven't you been reading the cellcert reports of my summer tour series? According to the cellcerts, every venue was sold out, plus we attracted a lot of men and teenagers.

To: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

No, we didn't read any cellcert reports. We don't even know what a "cellcert" is. We read about your summer tour series in the trade papers, and they all said you barely had 40% attendance in your home town.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com, KLo@aol.com
From: Skippermagee@manhunt.com
Subject: Re: One potential problem

Oh don't you know all those trade papers are written by hatahs and Kelly Clarkson fans! You can only get the truth from my cellcerts. And if you don't know what a cellcert is, you should! After all, I copyrighted and trademarked the term!


*****

A NEW DIRECTION

To: KLo@aol.com
From: RubenS@hotmail.com
Subject: Our tour

How do you like this name for the tour: REUNITED, STARRING RUBEN STUDDARD AND KIM LOCKE.

To: RubenS@hotmail.com
From: KLo@aol.com
Subject: Re: Our tour

I love it! Just the two of us. No drama, no divas, no Claymates and NO CLAY!